Swope’s Picks: Episode 22 – Matt Who Bowls At Hanks

We flash back to January 2015…Plowboy’s comedy set at BPV seemed to be about 2min and was hard to understand. There was a great moment where the Plowboy and Larry Nickel were up on the big stage and it was broadcast on the 40ft TV. Plowsy referred to himself as a stoner and a twink. When Plowsy took the stage, one of the oldest guys in BPV wondered “What the hell, now there’s a lesbian onstage?”  Charlie went to Bradley University founded by Lydia Moss Bradley, who lost all 6 of her children to early deaths. Charlie suggests she may have killed them. Daddy went 6 for 6 in softball last night…while 6 for 6 in slow pitch softball is impressive, that Lydia Moss Bradley went 6 for 6 in unsolved child murders…how many times can someone accidentally drop a toaster into a bathtub? Cat calls for Dan Marshall’s press conference audio about donating back to the community charity…”I’ve decided to donate the days that I don’t feel like emailing in to other emailers…it will be called emailing charity back to the community charity community…I will rise from success and plunge head first into a mess of covered up failure with a giant smile on my face”…Doug was out in CoMo at a Mexican restaurant with a bunch of dads…Apparently a sorority had their formal across the street…and the people who didn’t do coke and didn’t plan on screwing are at El Rancho…The guys look cleancut, while the girls look like Las Vegas casino hookers…it looked exactly like a hooker convention was in town…”I was bartending at Bengals over the weekend and a late 50s haggard old queen wrote his number on his receipt…he was a smooth talker and he undid his shirt button just right so I could see his nipple ring…he told me to meet him at the frat house and when I arrived he was bare assed and swinging from a chandelier screaming SEND OUT THE BOTTOMS DADDY’S STILL HUNGRY”  Ladies and gentlemen it is our pleasure to welcome Wayne Gretzky. Doug asks Wayne if he thinks they’d ever change the rules of hockey to make it 4 on 4 all the time…”When a local 3rd string sportscaster suggested the game be permanently changed to 4 on 4 and the Great One responds like he was talking to an 8 year old pretend reporter…” The Vianney father/son dance is this weekend…Doug doesn’t think they do the Hokey-Pokey at the Vianney father/son dance…There’s some Vianney guy who’s really made that we’re joke about the Vianney father/son dance. Oh they really have one? “The 2016 Vianney father’s day mixer was a P-O-N-Y…from a distance I could barely make out his nametag, but I believe it read HELLO, I’M UNCLE ANAL…I guess it was the more fun brother of Father Anal cause he was kissing dads like there was no tomorrow…” Plowsy posted to the fan page asking if anyone would let Said Girl borrow a backpack for her trip to Spain. Cat and Doug speak Spanish. “I saw the Plowroyal’s post yesterday about needing a backpack, and thought Hmmm, I would also like to plan a vacation halfway across the world and have some fan pagers chip in on it. I can afford the flight and hotel, but I just can’t swing the backpack. If I could just borrow the single most important piece of equipment I’ll need from Mitch the Sex Kitten, I’ll be ready to go.” Tim corrects inaccuracies in Dan Caesar’s article while Joe Roderick remains banned from the studio. “You see I was once a local cell phone salesman and I turned myself into an extremely successful radio tycoon overnight. Having little industry experience means nothing…Don’t like the dishwasher’s tude? Lock him out of the building. Let’s say you have an extremely popular breakfast item that is not only the most liked dish on the menu but also the most profitable. I would suggest cutting that item out completely for a less popular and definitely cost prohibitive item that may or may not be later cucked by a professional wrestler.” Iggy used to be the Maitre d’ at St Louis Country Club…until he spurned the advances of some wealthy broad who lied to get him fired…”This sexual deviant known as Iggy had a chance to bang a filthy rich broad under the age of 75 (RIP Leona Helmsley) but didn’t because once again he was loyal to a waiter job. Doug had never heard the term “daddy needs to be re-sleeved” before. Doug speaks in his Masters voice about the origins of the green jacket. Matt Who Bowls at Hanks reports live from the Masters. John Daly is down there hawking merch outside Hooters. MWB@H paid $1200 for 1 day of the Masters. “I’m want a guy age 25-70 to come over and pleasure himself in my model train room…Then after you finish you can kick around and stomp all the trains and buildings like a monster. Don’t break them they are my sons…Also I have a whole mess of imitation crab meat in my freezer…it’s not bad or anything we just have too much” Doug ponders taking him up on the imitation crab meat offer. “I’m looking or a guy between the ages of 22 and 78 to treat me like a moped…mutual touching is allowed and I would prefer us both to be topless but I’m not gay. After a few hours I will make a little sputtering sound like I’m breaking down…I would like you to flip me on my back, give me a shameful look over and say ‘The nipples on these damn things always go out first’ and then act like you’re replacing my nipples. I’m not gay. We can do this until 4 in the morning or until we get tired.” We’re joined by MWB@H to discuss how he got sucked into the show, his connection to the DLMI, and the story behind the Craig emails. Mashup features Doug, BenFred, Tim, Iggy, Larry Nickel, Becky Lynch, Cat, Vin Scully, Plowsy, Derrick Goold, JtL, and LaVar Ball.

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