Today, you get a double-helping of Maggie. You get my conversation with her here, and you get her column by clicking here.

When it comes to insideSTL.com,  the question I get asked most is "what is up with that Maggie?"

Well, the answer is that I've never met her. I've talked to her on the phone. I've seen alleged pictures of her girl parts both on the message board and via email. And, I think she may be the most-talented writer on the site.

Anybody can write about sex. She does it in a way that is not only amusing, but it keeps you coming back for more each week. She's essentially writing a sex soap opera about her own life. And, with the exception of occasional World Series of Poker appearances, announcements of radio shows being blown up, radio shows returning, or dead birds being left outside of F15teen, Maggie's column gets the most reads on insideSTL.com.

Where did she come from? She posted on the insideSTL.com message board when the site first started up August 15, 2005...and she took on a life of her own, because a) much like a woman walking down the halls at St. Louis U. High from 1990 to 1994, she caught my attention because, well, she was the only woman around...and b) she would occasionally post naked pictures of herself.

That's fun.

So, when I wanted to take STL Ladies in a new direction and have a lass on board writing about sex, I contacted her,because based on the content of her postings and the sexual liberty she displayed, I had a feeling she might be good for the job.

After I received her sample column, however, I had a feeling she would be perfect for the job.

Immediately, I knew I had a star on my hands. I'm the Simon Cowell of adult content writers. It's really quite a fine trait to possess.

So, this week, I fired some questions off at Maggie...as she's been writing for insideSTL.com for nearly two years now and the site has been around for nearly three years. It's a little insideSTL.com Third Anniversary Gift to the readers. Let's call it an appetizer...as we'll announce the main course on Friday in this very space, but as a deep tease, I would suggest keeping the evening of Saturday August 23rd open on your social calendar.

And without further delay, I give you my interview with the great Maggie Barlow:

Why do you do write so candidly every week on insideSTL.com...because I know it sure as hell isn't the money we're paying you?

The short answer is "because you asked me to", and then it gets a little deeper after that. I want to write, and you are the only guy with access to bandwidth who is offering me an opportunity to express myself creatively.

If I can read between the lines of your question, I suppose that the phrase "so candidly" is really the operative portion of the query. I write candidly, again, because that was in the initial job title, but also I believe if you are gonna do something, you should do it right. I could write a watered-down version of this column, and perhaps it would be more widely-received or politically correct. I know that is not what you wanted, and honestly, it is not what I wanna write. I consider myself a very open person sexually, and I have no problem writing about it. I will admit that the anonymity of the internet does make this easier for me, and I have said before, that I could not do this if I lived in St. Louis.

The money...well, as you know, I initially declined monetary compensation for my efforts. In essence, I am not compensated now. You are nice enough to send my pay checks to my grandmother, and while she has no idea (I hope) why she gets them, or what I do in exchange for them...she is appreciative, and it does make a difference in her week to week life...Thanks for that, Tim.

What does your husband, David, think of your regular discussions of your sex life for thousands to read?

David absolutely hates that I share many of the things that I do. Although I have mentioned to you before, I doubt you are aware of the problems it causes for me. Many of our marital disagreements involving my column, end in the phrase "...because it's for Tim". That is often the only reason he gets for having his sexual prowess, or lack of same, posted on the internet. David is a great guy, and contrary to the opinion of many readers, we have a great marriage. I have a creative side, and David obliges me this outlet to exercise that creativity. David understands that many of the same things he finds so attractive or desirable in my personality, result in my willingness to share what I do.

Plus, he fucking plays golf more than most men, and I am guessing my liberal policy on anal sex, as well as my missing gag reflex also play a role in his enhanced level of tolerance in this area.

You seem to enjoy anal sex...whereas many women say they don't or say they won't. What do you have going on that other women don't?

I just learned early on that it could be enjoyable. I am a realist, and I recognize that there is a significant percentage of the male population (gay men), who prefer being anally penetrated to the alternative (hetero sex). There must be something there to be experienced and enjoyed. The guy who introduced me to this discipline was patient (and huge), and it did not take long for me to discover a way to produce an orgasm for myself, while providing the guy with something he feels is special. 

 
I will say that if it was not something that I could enjoy, I would NOT do it. I do find myself preaching the virtues of anal sex to women who write to me, and also in my column; however, I recognize it is not for everyone.

Lubricant, alcohol, patience, and communication are all imperative…and most importantly, you gotta evacuate first.

You make no secret of enjoying "dabbling" with other girls. What does your husband think of this...and is it something you plan on doing for awhile...or will you stop once you have kids?

What does David think? Are you kidding? I am the goose that laid the golden egg.

I think many guys fantasize about this thing. I also think it is not without potential consequences...catastrophic consequences, as Lou Diamond-Phillips found out.

Dabbling is a much misunderstood thing, and it has become a synonym for lesbianism, when actually it is not. I cannot imagine my life without penis. I am a huge fan of penis, have a basic understanding and tolerance of the humans who own them, and a preference to them over vagine. I enjoy dabbling, but I would never choose it as a lifestyle.

Dabbling is not something I think you have a plan for. By definition, it is a secondary activity and often impulsive. I will say that I am open-minded about it, but not promiscuous in that area. If the right girl comes along, and If David is receptive…I am good to go.

I don’t think that kids alone would change my mind about this subject, and apparently not this year. I do feel that if I am ever able to procreate, my stances on some sexual things might change. I also think David will prolly play less golf. The time required in other areas will likely dictate the time available for things like dabbling and golf.

Speaking of kids...do you ever wonder if you'll regret your writings once you have kids and they're able to read the archives of Maggie On Top?

I regret my writings already, Tim. But I would not change it for anything. I would wager that you say shit on the air most every day, that you would not want your child to hear later. I am sure Bella cringes at some of your comments. I cannot let potential future circumstances define my life today. I have planned for children financially, and I am trying my uterus off to produce some children. Until that happens, I will write Maggie On Top with the same reckless abandon that I always have.

And Maggie Barlow is not my real name, so I have plausible deniability on my side.

I'm sure you get some interesting mail...whether it be hate mail or some creeps trying to hook up. What's been the "best" hate mail you've received, and what's been the creepiest creep email you've received?

OMG, dude, I get hate mail from both genders. I have written about this before, and I am just amazed by the reasons some people find to hate me. Women hate me for being sexually open, and men hate me for being the slut in the bedroom they wish their wife was.

I guess the “best” hate mail came from a girl who was convinced I was having an affair with her live-in boyfriend. She had snooped in his email account and found my email address. More cyber-sleuthing on her part led her to my column on insideSTL.com. She accused me of brainwashing her boyfriend into believing that women actually enjoyed the activities that I write about (which he was apparently pushing her to participate in). She felt deceived by her guy because she thought he was fucking me in real life, and trying to transform her into some version of me. She offered to fight me at a place called The Phoenix, and told me I should bring a knife if I was woman enough to show up. This kind of shit scares me. This is one of the reasons why I could not write this column if I did live in St. Louis.

For the record, her boyfriend had written to me about how he was losing interest in her because she had gained a lot of weight, and would not blow him. I think I might have seen them on Jerry Springer once, maybe not.

The award for creepiest email I have gotten goes to the guy who admitted (I suppose genuinely) that he liked to have his wife (or girlfriend, I forget) digitally penetrate (finger blast) him anally while she performed oral sex on him. I have heard a lot of creepy stuff in this job, and prolly some worse than this, but this one seemed extra creepy because the guy had no reservations about admitting something that most every other guy would adamantly deny having any interest in experiencing. It’s things like this that make me feel creepy about my role here…that people see me as someone they can say shit like this to, and I would find it acceptable.

Would you consider coming up from Florida to make an appearance at an insideSTL.com party? Why or why not?

Yes.

The previous two questions aside, I have made some great friendships through this job. There are several people who I would love to meet. When you say “make an appearance”, it sounds like you think people would make a decision regarding attendance based on my presence. I am not sure about that being accurate. I would love to “come home” for a few days, and I would love to show St. Louis to David. However, David is a problem with this resulting in reality. He thinks (understandably) that I make him look bad in the column, and has assured me he wants no part of such an event. I have no problem coming alone, but I am not sure I wanna deal with the consequences which might follow.

We will see.

What's your ultimate sexual fantasy?

Oh, God…I could answer this romantically and say that I want to have a perfect sexual session in a beautiful bed with my husband, the result of which would be me becoming pregnant.

But I would be lying.

A sexual fantasy is different from a sexual reality, and should be mentally categorized as such. When I think of sexual fantasies, I think of raunchy stuff. I am sure no money changed hands on that answer.

For me, it is me getting fucked by a bunch of guys with large penises. It does not matter what they look like, what color they are (although if some of them were black, that only makes me cum quicker when I masturbate), and it does not matter if they make me cum. They are mean to me, and talk crudely to me, and about me, as they randomly fuck me however they want, before coming wherever they want. I am totally submissive in this fantasy, and find some perverse pleasure in being able to satisfy the men. I do not orgasm in my fantasy…but I do when I masturbate imagining it.

Glad you asked?

Is that it?

Is that all you wanted to ask?

I wanna say that I appreciate this opportunity. Much like all the others you have afforded me, Tim.

Nice job, I am sure Oprah is gonna be one jealous bitch because you beat her to this interview.

There she is...the one and only Maggie. What do you think? Even you frauds who condemn this shit publicly yet love it privately can post...or you can email me at tmckernan@insidestl.com.