Throughout this site's existence, we've looked back at some of the most underappreciated video game athletes, and celebrated some of the worst sports video games man has to offer.  Today we add another chapter in our video game anthology, celebrating some of the best and worst digitally created athlete bosses and minibosses.  For the sake of brevity and simplicity, only Nintendo, Super Nintendo and Sega games are under written consideration.

Mike Tyson :: Mike Tyson's Punch Out



There isn't anyone else more dominant and terrifying to lead off this villainous recollection.  Tales of video game Mike Tyson have been well documented in neighborhood circles for years, and even with the 007-373-5963 cheat, defeating Tyson was still a monumental task.

After ripping through the Minor, Major and World Circuits, Little Mac reached the "Dream Bout".  I don't know about you, but standing face to face (or in Mac's case, face-to-junk) with an eventual flesh-eating rapist is anything but a dream.  Unfortunately for Tyson, a victory over Little Mac left much to be desired: his contract with Nintendo wasn't renewed after losing to Buster Douglas in February 1990, and the re-release of "Punch Out" featured Mr. Dream as the final boxer.

Mr. X - Kung Fu

 

Thomas' quest to save his woman Sylvia was a moderately challenging task, given that he had to destroy knife-throwing foot soldiers, back flipping midgets, an orange giant and insects and reptiles from the paranormal.  Not to mention the hunchback magician at the end of Level 4 and the henchmen with a penchant to hump Thomas' chest and legs.  Get through all that and you face the maniacal, evil Mr. X.

Okay, he wasn't maniacal or evil, he was just kind of there.  X just happened to be standing in front of Sylvia, draped in black pants and a red vest.  All that was needed to defeat him was a few sweep kicks and the "kung fu master" was dead.  If the Kung Fu video game was made into a movie, X would have been played by Robert Downey Jr - or Brendan Fraser.  In other words, he sucked. 

Great Puma - Pro Wrestling

 

Great Puma was a villainous boss in every sense possible.  He could pull off every move in the game at any time.  That means he could eat your head like Amazon and barely break a sweat.  When discussing dominant athlete villains of video game lore, Great Puma often gets forgotten.  But he's neck and neck with Mike Tyson as one of the most difficult to dethrone.  Come to think of it, a Puma/Tyson no holds barred match would probably set a world record for pay per view buys for a sporting event.  The path to Puma was nearly as difficult as the man (man?) himself.   

It really didn't matter if you wrestled with StarMan, Giant Panther or King Slender because the odds were Great Puma was going to whip your ass.  If you managed to win the V.W.A. Championship, you had to complete ten consecutive title defenses before entering the squared circle to wrestle the V.W.F champion.  Not an easy task, to say the least.  But if you made to Puma, the title vs. title match was the Ultimate Challenge at WrestleMania VI, three years early.

Shang Tsung - Mortal Kombat

 

While Puma, X., and Tyson relied on physical prowess and athletic skill (okay, maybe not Mr. X so much), Shang Tsung relied on evil.  He was the diabolical sorcerer who killed every enemy in his path and reaped their souls.  This gave him the Great Puma-esque ability to pull off every move in the game at his leisure, only it was taken one step further: Tsung could morph into any character the game had to offer.  That alone made him a dangerous dude, and I'd have to think that if Mr. X had similar powers, he would have dry-humped Thomas' legs. 

Goro - Mortal Kombat



Sure, he wasn't the final boss, but most would argue Goro was tougher than Shang Tsung.  His moves had a more severe effect on your life energy, he could spit fireballs out of his hand and mouth, he'd jump out of the screen and pounce you on his way down and he'd viciously spin around, swinging his arms until you were a bloody pulp.  Essentially, he was Super Mario and Street Fighter's E. Honda on crack.

Wikipedia notesthat Goro was referenced in an episode of Law and Order: Criminal Intent and that he appeared in the South Park episode Imaginationland.  He also had his own comic series.  Knowing all that, I'm really surprised Goro never guest-anchored on SportsCenter as part of some cross promotion for the Mortal Kombat movie.

M. Bison - Street Fighter II

 

In modern terms, Bison is part Bin Laden, part Hussein.  He aspired to rule the world as a dictator, and accomplished some of his evil plans through his terrorist organization.  If you made it all the way through the Street Fighter tournament, you'd face Bison, dressed in his red military attire and have to overcome his psycho power.  The only discernible difference between Bison and Bin Laden is Bison's knack for personal hygiene and to the best of my knowledge, Bison didn't send threats via videos on the Al-Jazeera network. 

Chozen - The Karate Kid

 

The Japanese version of Johnny Lawrence, Chozen was so repugnant as a human being that his uncle Sato disowned him near the end of the second Karate Kid film.  I remember playing the video game and hating Chozen, which was probably more indicative of my hatred for the game because it was so freaking hard.  Chozen was an extreme version of Kung Fu's Mr. X because he held your woman captive and wasn't afraid to let her fall into the abyss and drown.  It was up to you to defeat Chozen - and frequently touch your Japanese lover during the battle so as to avoid a tragic drowning.

Nobody likes it when your Japanese Juliet dies because of your ineptitude.

Break-Dancers and Skateboarders - Paperboy

 

I've never seen nor heard of such obstacles and potential trauma on a paper route than the one Paperboy dealt with, but those were the cards dealt to him.  In a perfect world, we'd be able to ride our bikes through skateboarders and break-dancers without second thought (and drunken street bums, for that matter).  But the paper route isn't a perfect world, and we've got subscriptions to keep.   

PS: If tornadoes, bees and crazy fire hydrants were athletic, they'd be listed here too.

Jimmy - Double Dragon (NES)

 

Imagine you're fighting off a crime organization in your town after your girlfriend has been abducted by it, per the orders of the head boss.  You battle all the way through to the end and get your chance at the head honcho, Willy, and somehow defeat him.  Before you can rescue your lady, your brother appears and reveals that he was the mastermind behind the abduction.  Bastard.

Next time you fight off a group called the Black Warriors in your neighborhood to rescue your abducted girlfriend, be sure you kill your brother.  Just to be on the safe side.