To: All PGA Tour players
Re: Pee-pee.
Over the last several years, it has come to the tour's attention that no athlete, male or female, is completely immune to the temptations of performance enhancing drugs. As a result we decided late last August that random drug testing would be necessary to preserve the sanctity and purity of the gentlemen's game. To ensure that no one testee (he or she who takes a drug test) cheats in the benevolent act of giving away his or her urine, it has been mandated that tour member will accompany each randomly selected player to the restroom. We would hate for a doping cheater to pass a test with flying colors because he used a fake plastic penis and borrowed someone else's urine. We'd like to think that if Ben Hogan was still around today, he'd use his real driver to fill up a cup, not a synthetic whizzinator.
This past weekend in Bethesda at the AT&T National, we commenced the random drug testing with Charles Howell III and Davis Love III. Statistics show third generation athletes have a high propensity to dope, so we "randomly" stumbled onto Howell and Love. I'm happy to report that both men had warm, crystal clear urine that smelled of multi-vitamins, and appear to be abiding by all league rules and regulations.
In addition to PGA Tour testing, the women of the LPGA Tour and players on the European Tour will be tested in accordance with this same policy. This will allow us to maintain a global sport devoid of drugs, and solve a few mysteries. For example, Phil Mickelson. With tits like that, is he really a man? Some are skeptical, and a trip to the restroom with "Lefty" would end any and all doubts, even if it means she joins the LPGA.
Another example, John Daly. He looks like he's in his third trimester. Maybe that's because he is. I watched an episode of Oprah a few months back and her guest was a pregnant man. Perhaps a trip to the facilities with Tubby Fat-Tubs will prove he sits down when he pees. If our testing proves Daly is a man, it could still prove that his 8 month prego-looking gut is the result of excessive munchies due to marijuana use.
One other mystery that may be solved: Vijay Singh. Does he pee at all? We've always viewed Singh as a robo-golfer, devoid of any human attributes. He could very well be a cyborg; as far as I know, cyborgs don't tinkle.
For the skeptics and conspiracy theorists, we have ruled in favor of testing any player on the Tour, even if he is injured. We're confident someone out there muses that because random drug testing began less than three weeks after Tiger Woods' final tournament of the '08 season, the PGA has "forced" Tiger to go away for awhile and clean out his body. I can assure you this is not the case. It isn't a case of Major League Baseball urging Roger Clemens sit out two months to clear his body of the juice, or David Stern pushing Michael Jordan to retirement because of gambling problems - Tiger can be tested right now, at this very moment.
In fact, we think it might be necessary to test the players' wives. If a player is doping, odds are his wife isn't immune to a little drug usage, and that's why a trip to the john with Elin Nordegren-Woods might be in order.
Finally, for those players worried or concerned about the possibility of stage freight during the drug testing procedure, we have decided to employ virtual-golf fan galleries when requested. If Sergio Garcia doesn't feel comfortable relieving himself or is simply too self conscious about others seeing his Big Bertha, a Tour-selected group of fans will attend the urination procedure as if it was a championship golf tournament. Various chants and screams of "YOU THE MAN!" and "IT'S IN THE HOLE!" will be provided by our fan galleries, followed by a much-deserved golf clap.
When you finally land it in the cup, the gallery will rejoice. I promise you that.
Thanks again for all your patience and diligence in this matter. Because of your efforts, the gentlemen's game will continue to flourish as clear and pure as the urine you shoot.
--TIM FINCHEM--