Happy 4th of July and happy birthday America! This week’s Top 7 looks at the greatest Americans in sports. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

7. Albert Pujols

Yes, he is an American citizen—he got 100% on his citizenship test a couple of years ago. Like America, he is a world superpower who can punish unfriendly or uncooperative nations (opposing pitchers or teams) with sanctions (two-run doubles in the gap), or, if he has to, military engagement (walk-off three-run dongs).

6. Michael Jordan

There is no way that Michael Jordan can’t make the list.

5. Shaq

He’s fun loving and very much enjoys eating. He also has dreams of being Hollywood (Kazaam is so good), but when it comes down to it, wouldn’t mind settling down as a simple blue-collar working police officer.

4. Lance Armstrong

An inspirational figure for winning all of those races against the darned French, plus anyone who can also start a good-old American trend (those bracelets) on top of that is guaranteed a spot on the list.

3. Dusty Rhodes

How in the world can you leave someone named “The American Dream” off of the list? The gratuitous wrestling spot was going to go to Rick Derringer, writer of Hulk Hogan’s “Real American,” but I had to take a stand, it don’t help to hide, and Dusty being a former world champion, outstanding dancer, and desire to wear polka dots gave him the nod here. Come to think of it, you could easily have an all-wrestling list here, with Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Hogan, Kurt Angle, and pre-Iraqi-sympathizer Sgt. Slaughter.

2. John Daly

Loves to golf, gets pissed off when he does badly, smokes and drinks on the course, gets girls to show their breasts, loses tons of money gambling. It’s a wonder that he can’t be #1.

1. Charles Barkley

He was never afraid to dunk on someone’s head, sometimes just for the hell of it. He is proud of his massive weight problem and celebrates it by continuing to eat. He loves gambling, will say whatever the hell is on his mind, and parlays all of that into discussion of running for public office. He’s also helped his country win a gold medal. Charles Barkley—sports’ greatest American.