Here at JSF, we look upon the absurdity of professional sports like a proud father. We certainly wouldn't dream of taking credit for creating any of it, but just to know that the games that we've been following and and at the same time mocking for so long have continued to grow and advance in their absurdity just makes us think that one day professional sports could be just as ridiculous as politics or Hollywood.

One of the signs of this happening is the increasing frequency of Hollywood gossip sites breaking "sports" stories. Those outlets that usually reserve space for crap like Tom Cruise meltdowns or Britney Spears' exposed crotch have begun to take notice of the increasingly idiotic habits of professional athletes.

The latest of course is TMZ.com being the first to introduce to the world the freestyle rapping of one Shaquille O'Neal. For those who haven't seen it, Shaq took hold of the mic in a club and verbally assaulted his old Lakers teammate Kobe Bryant.

Assuming you've watched the video at this point, let's quickly take a look at the five things we learned from the Shaq freestyle:

1.) Freestyle rapping is absolutely horrible 99.9% of the time.

We already knew this, Shaq just confirmed it.

2.) The sports media is really hurting for stuff to talk about

Sportscenter led their evening broadcast on Monday with the "breaking news". Now there issomething inherently humorous about listening to Mike Greenberg try to discuss the topic as a serious issue, but the minimal significance should be painfully obvious when they bring on Stephen A. Smith - a master of turning up the volume on any story - to discuss and he calmly downplays it as a non-issue. When Stephen A. can't even muster any false outrage, then we probably have a story that didn't warrant top billing.

3.) Kobe Bryant needs to respond

Not because it was some shock that Shaq dislikes him, rather strictly for the public's entertainment. We suggest not responding via rap, but instead going with something a little more creative. Make it a folk rock song or maybe a zydeco jam or something unique. Rap battles are old news. Zydeco battles are what's hot.

4.) YouTube style video has changed everything

Seriously, if we were a professional athlete, we'd be afraid to take a dump in a restaurant for fear that it might wind up on YouTube the next day.

5.) Any rap song with the hook "tell me how my ass tastes" is destined to be a hit.

There will probably be a "tell me how my ass tastes" dance hitting the underground soon. We can't wait.

Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth
“You can't have tight pants and be a catcher.”- Tim McCarver

McCarver knows this because a) he was a catcher and b) he had a three error game after viewing Farah Fawcett topless in the clubhouse Playboy.

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"It will be Randy Johnson against Tim Wakefield, two guys who have been equally nasty in their careers."- Karl Ravech

No one will discount Wakefield's effectiveness over the last 16 seasons, but he hasn't exactly been on par with Randy Johnson.

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''That's really just the media blowing something up. The only way for me to describe it is my arm is a little bit lower. But in reality, it's not that much lower. That's just the St. Louis media trying to make something out of nothing.'' – Mark Mulder on his new delivery

God forbid the media in St. Louis look for any sliver of hope that the guy they traded Dan Haren for might possibly have found a way not to suck when taking the mound. For once we side with the media.

Jay Mariotti Discusses Why Jay Mariotti Sucks
At this point, Jay Mariotti has become largely irrelevant. If we wanted to, we could document Mariotti's daily performances on Around the Horn and fill the above crap section with nothing but his quotes. He's perfected the “act” of stereotypical loudmouth journalist and our sports fan “hatred” of Mariotti is just what he wants. At least he garners a reaction – at least, that's what “they” think.

Two weeks ago, Mariotti's Sun-Times colleague Rick Telander was irked when his column, which included shots at Mariotti, failed to reach publication per the decision of his editors. A few days later, Telander's column was vetoed again. All this while Mariotti has no problems lashing out at his fellow journalists in Chicago – and maintains a Teflon shield against Sun-Times criticism.

Appearing on a Chicago radio show, Mariotti discussed his local counterparts:

"When I'm being critical of our writers, it's to try to unify."

Yes, because all the Sun-Times writers work together as a team and you're the team leader, right Jay?

"Are the local media now brainwashed that every time Ozzie goes off it's 'Ozzie being Ozzie,' or are we dealing with one of the great crackpots in the history of professional sports? I happen to choose the latter."

We'll give him the benefit of the doubt on this one in saying that Guillen does get the “Ozzie being Ozzie” treatment, but you've got to love Mariotti's extremism – greatest crackpot in the history of professional sports? Might be a tad over the line.

"If you're not interested in the dark side of sports, then get out of the business."

If we wore the same lenses as Mariotti, a bowl of vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup wouldn't be a delicious, cold dessert, it would be one of the most devastating caloric intakes in dairy product history.

"We're all supposed to cover the entire spectrum. Don't sit here and stereotype me. That's just a smear campaign from a guy (Telander) who … if he calls me angry, I call him bitter and old. This is a fellow who needs to examine the newspaper business, where it is right now, where the Sun-Times is in this market and maybe get his act into gear and help us win this battle."

See? He's just fighting the good fight. That's why Mariotti comes off the way he does. But seriously, if we're to believe in Jay's valiant efforts, then we suppose selling out and acting like a heathen on Around the Horn is somehow helping to breathe life into the newspaper business.

And Jay, for a guy who calls Rick Telander old and bitter, you sure seem out of touch with the “newspaper battle”. New media is never going away, but that doesn't mean it need be exclusive. It's the people in the newspaper industry who get that who ultimately succeed.

Media Rant – Pool Guys of America Still Awaiting Apology
There's something about the golf analyst that just breeds controversy. If it's not Kelly Tilghman unleashing her racist remarks on Tiger Woods, it's Johnny Miller displaying his anti-Italian hatred - the dude probably hates pizza too.

During the U.S. Open 10 days ago, Miller described Rocco Mediate as looking like “the guy who cleans Tiger's swimming pool” and added that “Guys with the name Rocco don't usually find their names on the trophy.

Naturally, an Italian-American group took offense and demanded an apology from Miller and a suspension from NBC. While the network failed to enact a suspension, Miller did apologize to those whom he offended.

In his attempt at reconciliation, he failed, however, to apologize to all men and women named Rocco all employees of pool-cleaning companies. That just reeks of suckitude. We're pretty sure Rocco Baldelli is upset, as well he should be.

And the good people who work hard every day to earn a living cleaning and maintaining pools deserve better. Miller should be ashamed of himself.

Strahan Joins Fox NFL Sunday, Fake Hilarity Ensues

Late Monday it was announced that the football Giants' biggest media whore since Tiki Barber, Michael Strahan, joined up with his buddies Curt, Terry, Howie and Jimmy as the newest analyst on FOX NFL Sunday. With Tiki on NBC and Strahan on Fox, we're hoping it means Jeremy Shockey will get a role with CBS or ESPN some time down the road (not really).

With the addition of a fifth on-air presence, we have a few minor worries. From a logistical standpoint, we hope the Fox crew will build a bigger desk on-set, otherwise the show could resemble a CBS pregame show with five large bodies crammed into a four-seater - no one wants to see the added heat force Terry Bradshaw to sweat like Bill Cowher (seriously, we said it a long time ago, but we may be just one "offseason" away from a network going to the bleachers style seating on the set). And from a fan enjoyment standpoint, we hope each on-air talent will tone down their decibel level given that Strahan will add another loud, rambunctious voice. If not, we shudder to think of what we might hear - as in, "nothing we hear will be audible because of all the yelling and laughing."

Safe to say, the studio show predicated on obnoxious and unnecessary laughter just got a whole lot "funnier".

Oh, and even if Terry Bradshaw doesn't tone down his act, at least he's going the extra mile to welcome Strahan to the television neighborhood.

Bob Carpenter Memorial Snappy Line

It's almost to the point where Bob is ready to say screw the Washington Nationals, he's moving to Europe and calling soccer games for a living. If what he's seen out of the Euro 2008 announcers on ESPN is customary of the way people in Europe want to hear their games called, then he'd be a star within months. They simply love snappy lines. Here are two more that Bob observed over the weekend:

"Those wearing orange were peeled like oranges" – Derek Rae on Netherlands versus Russia.

"It was Turkey yesterday, is Goose going to be cooked today?" – Tommy Smyth, on Russia coach Guus Hiddink

Did you see that last line? That's two snappers in one sentence! That's an exchange rate that he can get on board with.

Let's just say that when the games resume today, the Bobber will be sitting in front of his TV, face painted with the Turkish flag just waiting for the next round of snap to light up a smile on his face.

The Media Circus is written by Josh Bacott and Patrick Imig. They swear this stuff is real. E-mail them at info@joesportsfan.com.