[Note: The five Youtube clips in this post aren't pulling for some reason.  We tried it on other sites and with different broswers got the same results, so it's Youtube's gaffe for whatever reason.  We'll try and have the clips mixed in whenever possible.  In the meantime, I provided the links to the videos (INNOVATIVE!), because you truly need to witness the sexual innuendo thrust upon the youth of America.] 

Regardless of age, every one of us should get to experience our summers at home in the midst of doing nothing.  If life was fair, we'd be wearing Jams, playing wiffle ball with all the neighbors and waiting for the ice cream man to arrive late in the afternoon every day until September.  We'd be sucking on Bomb Pops, imitating Daryl Strawberry swings and taking our breaks indoors with bologna and cheese sandwiches while the neighborhood nerd tries to conquer Zelda. 

As it stands, we're all grown up (some of us), but that doesn't mean we can't travel back to a much simpler time - a time when all that was needed for fun was water and a little bit of sunshine.  Today we salute the best - and in some cases most inappropriate - summer activities that involved nothing more than a hose as the primary ingredient.    

Running Through the Sprinkler

Somewhere along the way, kids convinced themselves that a hose hooked up to a sprinkler could serve as a de facto pool - not surprising considering we used to play in a wooden box filled with sand.  "Did you see that rolly-pully in the sand box?  That was gnarly!"  Running through the sprinkler was a blast, unless your family had the kind that served a long distance gun to reach all corners of the yard.  You know the one: it seemingly spit out the water and got pissed at you upon returning to its starting point.  However, if you had the more traditional sprinkler that sprayed vertically, you were in for a real treat - and so were your nether regions.

Above Ground Plastic Swimming Pool

If you owned one of these pools, you enjoyed the site of your kids sitting in non-chlorinated water.  You're telling your kids, "we don't have enough money for a real pool, so instead we bought you this plastic piece of crap with animal designs on the exterior.  You will also be eating 'Chocolate O's' cereal and live with the fact that we don't have an answering machine or cable television."

Truthfully, a plastic pool was better than no pool at all.  Sure it killed the grass and lasted a month before tearing, but damnit, it HAD WATER IN IT.  The plastic pools of today are too fancy and clean looking, which definitely puts a damper on its nostalgia.  All that said, swimming in circles to vigorously create a plastic whirlpool was guaranteed entertainment.

Disclaimer: don't ever get in one of these pools on college property.  Doing so could be a severe detriment to your health. 

Water Balloons and Guns

Speaking of college, the site of water balloons and water guns always led to more fun than a 20 year old should have.  The same could be said for the young years.  While most water guns followed the same blueprint for aqua destruction, you were a step ahead of the neighbors if you had the Super Soaker. 

If A Christmas Story had been A 4th of July Story, Ralphy would have been asking for a Super Soaker instead of a Red Ryder BB Gun (even though there is generally no gift-exchanging on said holiday).  If you had a Super Soaker 50, your friends were about to get their asses kicked.  And if you waited another year or two, you could get your hands on the 100 model.  A scan of Hasbro's Super Soaker page shows how intelligent and intricate the guns have become.  There is no truth to the rumor our Armed Forces are hunting down Bin Laden with a Sneak Attack.

Of course, there sure is something perverted about telling the kids "major pumping required" - especially for a gun called the "Oozinator".

Slip 'N Slide And Water Wiggle

If the Oozinator was pushing the envelope of good taste, the Water Wiggle
tore it up in the 1970s.  If you don't have sound at your computer, allow me to write out some of the words in the ad for the Water Wiggle:

For cool, summer, splashing fun, get Water Wiggle!  It's fun.  It wiggles!  It's wild you bet!  Just try to catch it and not get wet!

It wiggles?  It's wild?  I should try and catch it?  Sexual overtones aside, the Water Wiggle is the equivalent of running through the sprinkler, only the sprinkler is high on crack and meth, and fails to pay for his nozzle repair.  As for the Slip 'N Slide, it was more or less a recipe for disaster.  The toy manufacturers basically said, "Okay, see that plastic pool over there, we're going to cut the bottom out of it and use it as a water runway so kids can slide like monkeys."

In 1993, the dangers of the Slip N Slide was the subject of a Consumer Product Safety Commission report.  On the bright side, Wikipedia notes that June represents National Slip 'N Slide month.  Yea. 

Happy national Slip n Slide month, everyone.

Crocodile Mile

What do you do when you're surrounded by crocodiles?  Apparently you run, you slide, you hit the bump and take a dive. 

Crocodile Mile was like Slip 'n Slide V2.0, only with the fear of being overtaken by crocodiles.  For reasons never clearly revealed, there are tons of crocodiles out there, and all you can do is run from them.  But if we are really to believe the crocodiles are taking over, why are we supposed to slide on a tarp and ultimately land in a crocodile's mouth?  Kind of counterproductive if you ask me.  And the tarp surely isn't a mile long - if it was, the crocs would most definitely catch up and maul you. 

Laughin Splashin Lagoon

See, this is just poor synergy on the part of Marchon, the maker of the lagoon and Crocodile Mile. 

For some reason, the crocodiles are now our friends.  Not only can you ride a crocodile, you can slide down one too.  The Laughin Splashin Lagoon is proof positive that people will buy anything.  The people at Marchon basically took a plastic pool and added the flavor of Crocodile Mile.  Perhaps this is why they were Laughin, especially since nothing about crocodiles is funny. 

Wet Banana

And lest we forget another Slip 'n Slide clone, the Wet Banana.  I can't imagine a toy with this name being marketed today, but in the 80s, it was apparently acceptable practice.

Imagine for a second your 6 year old son heads out the door saying, "Dad, I'm going across the street to play with Steven's Wet Banana.  And then we're going to play with Matthew's Water Wiggle."  Would make you rethink letting him play Rudolph in a Christmas play, no?

The commercial asks a question which I am glad I've never asked nor conjured in my lifetime: "Could that be Mom on Wet Banana?" 

Stop it.

---

To recap, there are lots of crocodiles out there, you'll need major pumping to shoot your Oozinator and playing with the neighbor's Wet Banana and Water Wiggle will be wild and crazy (AND WET).  Yep; just another summer afternoon in the land of 5-year olds.