Last time we visited with our favorite hard scrabble 1982 White Sox batting and pitching leaders, they were chatting us up about the spring tradition we call March Madness.  Sure, you may be thinking that they can only talk about one simplistic subject at a time but don't sell our boys short, these are some intelligent fellas.  

You probably can't tell from looking but in the card below, Luz and LaMarr only look so serious because the photographer was quizzing them on 18th century French history.   Well at least one of them - LaMarr is discussing the effects of Rousseau's Social Contract, Luz is thinking about this.



This time around Luz and his pal LaMarr are here to enlighten readers about sporting activities, not just in America, but from across the globe.

The Triple Crown
For the 12th time in the last 30 years a horse won both the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness only to lose the Belmont and fail to grab the Triple Crown. This time Big Brown finished last amidst much confusion. Now everyone is looking for someone or something to blame. Was it the lack of steroids? Did the jockey have a bad ride? Was the raced fixed? What the hell happened.

LaMarr:  I bet those horses would run a whole lot faster around that track if someone put one of those mechanical bones out there like they do at dog tracks.  If you don't think those horses would chase it, then you've obviously never eaten one of those bones.  One time I went to a dog track when I was hungry as all hell and when that bone came wheeling around the corner I just said "I gotta get me that sucker" so I got out and started sprinting with them dogs.  I killed three dogs before security finally wrestled me down.  When I got dragged off some old man told me I had just set a track record.

Luz: Horse meat tastes really good.  Even better when it's cooked.







The Olympics
In a little under two months, the world will turn its attention to Beijing, China for the 2008 Summer Olympic games. Many suspect that the days of the Olympics being a meaningful sporting extravaganza are in the past as interest wains in some of the traditional Olympic sports. One event that always remains popular is the 100 meter sprint where new record holder Usain Bolt will take on American sprinter Tyson Gay for the gold.

LaMarr:  If there's one thing gays can do it's run.  One night after a game in Kansas City I drank a bottle of Old Crowe whiskey and wound up at a gay bar called Buddies.  This one gay asked me if I was in the drag show so I chased his ass down this runway.  He got away, but I won second place in the show.  Got a trophy and everything.  They'd never seen a drag queen dressed like a baseball player before.





Luz: How come there ain't no spring or fall Olympics?  That just don't seem fair to those months. And if you're going to have an event called the "hammer throw" you damn well better be throwing a hammer. 

Euro 2008
While the Olympics might be more well known worldwide, all of Europe's eyes are currently on Switzerland and Austria for the 2008 European Championships soccer tournament. After one round of games, World Cup champs Italy are on the ropes after being throttled 3-0 by Holland. Can the Italians bounce back? Will likely Footballer of the Year Cristiano Ronaldo be able to lead Portugal to a title?

LaMarr:  You can't trust any game where you don't use your hands.  I found that out in LA one night when this cop tied my hands together and tried to get me to play this game he called "DWI".  I guess it was sort of like Scrabble because he kept quizzing me on my ABC's.  I told him I couldn't do my ABC's without my hands, then I spit on him and he got all pissed and took me jail.    Even Scrabble is better than that game.



Luz: I don't know nothing about no Euro's.  I'm Polish, I haven't eaten Greek food since 1972.

Lakers vs. Celtics
The renewal of one of the greatest rivalries in NBA history is in full swing as the Celtics lead the Lakers 2-1 in the Finals. Will it be the first Shaq-less title for Kobe or will Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett complete Boston's turnaround from worst in '07 to best in '08?

LaMarr:  Every time I hear about the those two teams they always talk about how there's this magic bird that used to visit them way back when.  It may sound fake, but I've seen the magic bird.  I was pitching in Boston and there was this weird looking crow that was wearing an eye-patch that kept landing by me.  One time he landed looked me right in the eye and said "give 'em the heater".  So I threw my fastball and it got hit for a long homerun.  Yep, that damn magic bird was a Red Sox fan. 



Luz:  The only magical bird I ever seen is a turkey that's just come out of the fryer.







Ken Griffey Jr.
Of all the players from the so-called "steroid era", Ken Griffey Jr. remained one of the few true homerun hitters who are free from suspicion. Once dubbed "The Natural", Griffey finally hit homerun number 600 and once again got everyone thinking what could have been if he had remained healthy throughout his career.

LaMarr:  Ken Griffey is still playing?  I faced him when I was in Chicago in 1984.  Man, he been playing for 35 years,  I can't even imagine how bad his knees must be aching.  Mine ache just walking to the fridge to get a cold one.  Course "the fridge" is the name of the bar that I walk four miles to every morning.



Luz: Steroids don't work.  You want to know how to hit more homeruns?  Beef jerky milk shakes. 

NBA Fixed?
Former referee Tim Donaghy has unveiled allegations against the NBA that the league conspired to fix the outcome of a game in the 2002 playoffs.  Even if the allegations prove to be false, the NBA will suffer increased scrutiny on its referees and could have a major credibility issue.  Is it realistic to think that the league could have worked to fix certain games in an attempt to shape a playoff series?

LaMarr:  Oh I've seen referees try to fix games.  This one time when I was pitching, an umpire called me for 26 straight balls.  Finally when skipper came out to see me, he told me that I had been throwing the ball lefthanded the whole inning for some reason.  When he mentioned it, I thought my glove had felt weird on my right hand.  Skipper thought it was on account of my being high on peyote and forgetting which arm I threw with, but I got a pretty good idea that umpire had used some mind control on me.



Luz:  The only baskets I pay attention to are ones that are filled with chicken fingers. 







JSF Weekly is written by Josh Bacott.  Luz eats his chicken fingers with a side of more grease.  E-mail him at josh@joesportsfan.com