(week 13) De·noue·ment [dey-noo-mahn] -noun

1. the final resolution of the intricacies of a plot, as of a drama
2. the conclusion; the end
3. in which Kellen Winslow summons a militia of soldiers

Harris Smith not down with America's neighborhood grill and bar

It's easy to celebrate the absurdity of professional sports when Plaxico Burress enters a hospital after shooting himself in the leg and tells hospital personnel he's actually Harris Smith, as in "I'm Harris Smith and I got shot at Applebee's."

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall to see Burress state his pseudonym. The hospital attendant asks Burress his name, he pauses, stutters out a last name Harris and then adds another last name because he couldn't think of anything else. A few moments later, other hospital employees notice that Harris Smith looks an awful lot like the wide receiver for the New York Giants.

"AND I'LL BET YOU WEREN'T REALLY SHOT AT APPLEBEE'S, WERE YOU PLAXICO?"

This latest incident definitely raises lots of questions, all of which have been debated and discussed ad nauseam by the mainstream media. One question that is obvious and yet, overlooked, is how do players like Burress protect themselves if they're not carrying a gun? What are the options?

I'm no law enforcement official, but I'd say the most sure-fire way for an athlete to protect himself in the urban wild without a handgun is to wear his own jersey. Think about it. You're in a dark club, you just consumed Southern Comfort and lime juice in convenient shot form and then you spot a big dude wearing a Plaxico Burress jersey. He's also wearing a baseball cap.

You don't think twice about approaching the guy, you just mumble something to yourself about dorks who wear jerseys out to clubs. And since he's Plaxico Burress, the owners of the clubs don't mind that he's violating dress code.

If this doesn't work out, then NFL players will have no choice but to hit the clubs in full uniform and helmet.

Stephon Marbury suffering from similar gunshot wounds

The NBA has nothing to do with an NFL column, you say? I respectfully dissent. For it is also in New York where a disgruntled, overpaid point guard was shot in the head recently:

"They left me out for dead. It's like we're in a foxhole and I'm facging the other way. If I got shot in the head, at least you want to get shot by the enemy. I got shot in the head by my own guys in my foxhole. And they didn't even give me an honorable death."

It's rather obvious Kellen Winslow wasn't in the same foxhole. Not only would he have carried Marbury to the nearest hospital and watch him honorably die, he would have captured a Purple Heart in the process because he would have blown out his ACL while getting up from the hole.

He doesn't give a hell about pain because he's a mother fu**in soldier.

Sage Rosenfels finds side-work as caption writer for Getty Images