It seems like the bitching is starting earlier every year and coming from more prominent voices all the time.

It’s only the first week in November and already this year’s outcries about the BCS system are heating up.  This past week it was two prominent coaches who spoke up about their disdain for the current system of crowning a champion in College Football.

USC coach Pete Carroll said he thought the system “stinks” in an interview with SI.com and went on to compare the BCS to the Wizard of Oz…in a negative way, we think.  Oklahoma coach Bob Stoops recently placed his name amongst those in favor of a playoff as well.  And both Carroll and Stoops joined legendary Penn State coach Joe Paterno, who earlier this year publicly chastised those who continually search for reasons why a playoff wouldn’t work.

And hey, the last time Paterno thought something was antiquated he was talking about this.  Gotta say, he was right then.

Probably the most legit counter-argument is that the playoff system will devalue the regular season, as if the College Football season is poised to become the NHL.  Yeah, the regular season is as intense as any in sports from week to week, but that’s not going to change.  There is still going to be ample drama to see which teams would qualify for the “postseason”.

The most popular recommendation for a solution is an 8-team tournament.  Not 64 teams, 8 teams.  That’s not the kind of number that allows a traditional power to simply throw it on cruise control for three months and still sneak into the playoffs.  Every game will continue to have immense ramifications.

Will there be regulars in the mix?  Absolutely, but if you look at the final BCS Standings each year dating back to 2003, only one team would have qualified for an 8-team playoff each season – the USC Trojans.  Appropriate considering they’ve had some damn good teams during that stretch.

Other traditional powers like Oklahoma, LSU and Texas each would have missed out more than once in that span.

At the same time, each season produced at least a handful of surprises to keep things interesting.  Schools like Utah, Cal, Oregon, Louisville, Boise State, Kansas and Missouri would have qualified during that stretch.  This year names like BYU and TCU are knocking at the door with several weeks to go.

Simply put, the 8-team, 3-week tournament would be amongst the biggest sporting events in the country each year.

But hey, most reasonable people know that right?  We all realize that the current system is the most inane method of crowning a champ in major sports.  When the ultimate outcome of a season is hinged on anything other than the field of play, bad things are going to happen.

Lucky for the NCAA, I’m a problem solver.  I like to get my hands dirty and find ways to revise things that need revision, especially if it offers an opportunity for an easy gimmick column.

Seeing as though the BCS is a seemingly random way of crowning a champion, I figured there had to be several better, or at least equally ridiculous, methods of determining who the top team in college football is year after year.   I think I’ve come up with some good stuff for the NCAA to look at. 

1.) The WWE Method
Despite having more performance enhancing drugs running through his system than most prize winning thoroughbreds, WWE owner Vince McMahon is on to something when it comes to singling out the best from a collection of contenders and pretenders.  His solution was to throw all of the combatants into one ring at the same time and see who the last man standing is.



When you really think about it, with the exception of the pyrotechnics and the contrived story lines, the WWE and NCAA football aren’t that much different.   Both feature large men smashing into one another to entertain the masses and both are surrounded by scantily clad females and fans whose blood alcohol levels are equivalent to their GPA’s (high school GPA’s for the wrestling fans).  They’re basically one in the same.

According to the WWE playoff system, we will rope off an entire football field (neutral site of course) and then every 30 seconds randomly bring in another player until every player on all of the contending teams is accounted for.  The goal of the contest is for the players to systematically launch each of their opponents over the ropes until only one person or team is standing.  Brilliant.

We can even have the coaches take on the persona of some famous WWE managers while escorting their players to the battleground.  I am envisioning Bob Stoops marching down the entrance way with a mullet and Elvis jacket yapping through a megaphone a la Jimmy “The Mouth of the South” Hart, or Pete Carroll strutting into the ring dressed like the Slickster, complete with pimp suit, jheri curl and walking cane.

Think of the possibilities.  One team could use its giant O-line to gang up on other players in an Andre the Giant maneuver; another could emulate “Iron” Mike Sharp and just run away from the competition to gain an edge.  It may take hours, it may take days to determine a winner, but it will be entertaining TV.  The strategic possibilities are endless and when the dust settles, one team will remain to be awarded the title.

2.) Groupie Contests
The team that bags the most groupies wins.  Pretty simple formula.  As a tiebreaker, we’ll include the coach’s total.  And you know that Paterno is straight racking them up in Happy Valley.

Let’s just say Notre Dame has a tough road ahead.

3.) Revenge of the Nerds Homecoming Carnival 2008
At Adams College, the control of the Greek Council completely hinged on the performances of each frat and sorority at the annual Homecoming Carnival.  It was simple.  Win the carnival and you’ve got control.

The carnival consisted of a series of athletic, drinking and creative contests, including the famous belching contest, the drunken tricycle ride, the Trojan Horse and the skit competition.

I think we’re on to something here.

This would test not only their athletic ability but also their mental and beer drinking skills as well.  Colt McCoy might be the leading candidate for the Heisman Trophy, but can he slam 10 beers and still ride a tricycle around a track without smashing it into the ground?  Nick Saban is a fabulous college football coach, but can he outbelch Mike Leach with the title on the line?  How else can we find out if the O-Line of the Florida Gators can match up to the Omega Mu’s in an arm wrestling contest?  Something tells me the Mu’s wouldn’t have lost at home to Ole Miss.

As we saw in 1984, when the Tri Lambs upset the Alpha Beta’s, the Homecoming Carnival is the quintessential level playing field.  No one cares if you’re better on paper. It means nothing until you prove it by wearing yellow jumpsuits and shoulder-mounted synthesizers.

4.) Test of Endurance
Endurance is a common theme amongst collegiate athletics.  The players must be in tip top shape to compete at this level and often times the season itself is a test of the players and coach’s endurance.  They have to perform each Saturday through a marathon season that is so fiercely competitive that one loss could ruin a season.

At times you hate to see a team like Texas dominate the nation for months only to lose one game to a fellow Top 10 team, on the road and nearly cost themselves a shot at the national title.  But that is the nature of the beast.

There is one possibility that would intrigue those who feel it unjust to punish a team for one slip in a lengthy season.  It features a world class test of endurance and the team who survives it would have done more than enough to prove it’s status as the nation’s elite football team.

We call it the “Berman-athon”.

That’s right, screw the gridiron.  We’ve seen enough football this season to determine that there are at least 8 teams potentially good enough to claim the title.  Now it’s time to separate the men from the boys.  What I have planned is a trip into a movie theater for every member of each team that will have these athletic Adonis’s begging for mercy.

After each player, coach, waterboy, etc. has been loaded into the theatre of death, the screen will begin an endless reel of Chris Berman doing his catch phrases.

It’s “back, back, back” and “rumblin’, bumblin’, stumblin’” for hours on end.

Somehow this freak show has continued to gain momentum and carry on for a quarter of a century, meaning that there is ample rage-inducing material to throw these modern gladiators into a fury and send them careening out of the theatre one after another.

Within a few hours, we should have ourselves a national champion.  Whoever sits through that horror film festival deserves all the accolades that will be bestowed on them.  Better them than me.

5.) Tournament
It’s a radical idea, but it just might be crazy enough to work.  Try to follow.

We use this BCS computer system to rank the top 8 teams at the end of the season.  Those 8 teams then are matched up in a tournament format with each game representing one of the traditional bowl games.  In week one, they are reduced from 8 to 4, week two from 4 to 2 and in the final week we determine who is the best football team in the country by their play on the field.

A little off the wall, I know.  I’m not sure that this type of unparalleled thinking has been applied to any other athletic exhibitions but I have a hunch that it just might work.

I guess we’ll have to wait and see.