"It's true that I have to sit on phonebooks in order to see the teleprompter." - Bob Costas

God steps on Jon Kitna's back in disgust

The Lions are excellent because as we know, consistency is excellence. Detroit has been consistently awful this decade and they've somehow regressed back to the Mariucci era in 2008. As if Sunday's 34-7 loss at home to the Bears wasn't confirmation of this, Kyle Orton managed to throw for 334 yards. Yes, the situation is grave at Ford Field.

Unfortunately, it isn't just the defense that sucks. Sure, giving up 37 points per game, 180 rushing yards a game and a league worst 429 total yards per game is bad, but it's even worse when the offense is lacking. Take a look.

Detroit Lions 2008
-- 263 yards per game (27th)
-- 16.5 points per game (28th)
-- 191 pass yds per game (19th)
-- 72 rushing yards per game (31st)

Compare that to year 2 of the Mike Martz offense...

Detroit Lions 2007
-- 322 yards per game
-- 21.6 points per game
-- 242 passing yards per game
-- 80.5 rushing yards per game

Now compare 2008 to the last year before Martz took over as coordinator.

Detroit Lions 2005
-- 270 yards per game
-- 16 points per game
-- 178 passing yards per game
-- 92 rushing yards per game

Suffice to say Rod Marinelli deserves to be fired, especially given his defensive background. He was brought in from Tampa Bay where he coached the defensive line. This year, his defense has registered four sacks in four games. I have a solution: blame Mike Martz.

Obvious Trend: the Lions suck worse without Mike Martz.

Report: Chunky Soup permanently lodged in Donovan McNabb's throat

For the third time this season, the Eagles lost a game by one score or less. Week 2 was a four point loss to the Cowboys, Week 4 was a four point loss to the Bears and yesterday was a six point loss to the Redskins. What plagued him in college and plagued him following the vomiting story of Super Bowl XIL is once again entering the conversation: Donovan McNabb is a choker.

Sure, he's not the only one responsible, but consider the following...

 

Week 2: Donovan McNabb plays great until the end. In the 4th quarter he completes 7 of 11 passes for 39 yards, loses one fumble and takes two sacks on the final drive. The first three quarters McNabb completes 18 of 26 passes for 242 yards, throws one touchdown, has no turnovers and was sacked just once.

Week 4: McNabb passes for 41 yards in the 4th after gaining 221 through the air the first 3 quarters.

Week 5: Philly jumps out to a 14-0 lead after 18 minutes of play and only scores three the rest of the way. They didn't convert one first down in the 2nd and 3rd quarters, a span that included 5 three-and-outs.

Obvious Trend: Like the texture of Chunky Soup, Philly is inconsistent.

For the Redskins, their next three games are against the Browns, Lions and Rams, three teams with a combined 1-11 record. If Washington isn't 6-2 or 7-1 at the halfway point, they should start Dan Snyder at running back for the rest of the season as punishment for their on-field behavior.

Everyone agrees Mike Holmgren is a lazy ass

Quit taking weeks off, you moron-slacker. With yesterday's 44-6 shellacking at the hands of the Giants, Holmgren improved his record to 2-8 coming off a bye week as Seahawks coach. Yes, 2-8. That freaking sucks monkey prostate, Michael.

Obvious Trend: Next year, bet against Seattle their first game after the bye week.

The loss to the Giants should be worrysome for Sea-Fence and his 12th-man Sea-Friends because the Seahawks defense is giving up 31 points per game. The only time they've held an opponent under 30 this season was Week 3 against the Rams, who mustered 13 points.

In two games on the other side of the country, Seattle has been outscored 78-16 by the Bills and Giants. Even worse, they have games at Tampa Bay and Miami in the next five weeks. In 2007, Seattle lost four games on the East Coast, giving up 108 points in the process.

Obvious Trend: don't ever travel to the East Coast with the Seahawks because bad things will follow. Like, you'll probably cut yourself shaving in the lavatory, get stricken with food poisoning and have a blow-up auto pilot and Hall of Fame center fly you through the depths of hell.

Texans' new method of losing more entertaining than traditional means

 

Down by 17 points with four+ minutes to go, the Colts stormed back with three touchdowns in a two minute span to get their second win of the season. It was a much more riveting loss than the previous week, when the Texans beat the Jaguars in every phase of the game except points. In this one, the Texans beat the Colts in every phase of the game AND had a monumental collapse. Next week, look for Houston to get out to a three touchdown lead and lose by 6 to Miami -- and stand in stunned silence when Ahman Green takes off his helmet and reveals he's actually Ronald McDonald.

Obvious Trend: The Texans won't win unless David Carr comes back.

As for the Colts, Peyton Manning explained his team's achievement, "The idea today was to get a little swagger back." Dude, all you had to do was stay odor and perspiration free and you could have accomplished said feat without the bumps and bruises.

Chad Ocho Cinco explodes for three catches and 43 yards

He didn't get to kiss the Dallas Star, but Chad-Eight-Five totaled more than a quarter of his season receptions total in a monstrous Week 5. For the season, he has 14 catches for 153 yards and one touchdown. The beauty is that he's keeping up with his average. You see, in his last nine games, Ocho Cinco has 30 receptions, good for a shade over three per game.

Obvious Trend: Chad Ocho Cinco's stats are decaying quicker than the gold in his moufth.

Marvin Lewis told the CBS crew that he thinks his other idiot wide receiver Chris Henry has turned the corner and will stay out of trouble. Skeptical, Lewis was proved right for one game, when Henry earned his team a 12 men in the huddle penalty. The old Henry would have rolled a fatty and pulled a gun at the 20 yardline to get himself in trouble, the new one just meanders around aimlessly after smoking said fatty in the locker room. Kudos.

Det. Nordberg found guilty on all counts of armed robbery

To celebrate, let's say hello once again to the comedic genius of Nordberg.