Over the past few weeks, we've found ourselves pondering where Hank Williams, Jr. would be without Monday Night Football. Ever since the release of "All My Rowdy Friends" in 1984, Hank has pretty much had it made. Not that we think his job isn't difficult, painstaking or requiring ample skills and talent; quite the contrary, actually.
To be able to sing about football teams and the same day of the week for two+ decades says something. Just take a look at the lyrics from this past Monday's contest between Baltimore and Pittsburgh. We dare you to not be amazed and marvel at the lyrical prose.
Welcome to the party, all my rowdy friends.
A Monday night bash on ESPN.
It's always nasty when these two go round.
The Ravens and Pittsburgh meet in Steel town!
The pressure is rising.
Wrap up and hold tight.
We're going to blow the roof off Pittsburgh tonight.
Ready.
Come on and get ready!
I mean really ready!
Are you ready for some football?
A Monday Night party?
The whole house is rocking. Let's get it kick-started.
Inaudible ... ... ... .... .... .... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
All my rowdy friends are here for Monday night!
Wow. That's the stuff you can't teach. You're either born with it or your left scrambling for Honda dealership jingles.
Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth
"Every one of these NFC East games are going to be a donnybrook. I don't care if it's Philadelphia/Washington, Philadelphia/New York, New York/Philadelphia, in this instance you're talking about the Redskins and the Cowboys." - Brian Billick, Fox
Both New York/Philly and Philly/New York are bound to be donnybrooks, people. The words of a supposed one-time offensive genius prove he might not be a genius at all.
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"Here's some delicious irony: it's Sunday. A man named Church is coming up." - Chip Caray, TBS
Wow; that's, that's great Chip. Almost as deliciously ironic as Black Sabbath playing in a Jewish community on a Saturday.
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"I don't know if they have a show 'Worst Year and a Half'. It would be appropriate right now for Linehan and the Rams." - Ian Eagle, CBS
Maybe we were just easily and morbidly amused by the Linehan era. Regardless we're fans of any broadcaster who takes wise cracks at the atrocity known as the St. Louis Rams - and still has a name eerily similar to one of the finer Lou Gosset Jr. films about teenage jet fighter pilots.
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"I think the Rams did themselves a disservice not getting (Steven Jackson) into training camp on time. You knew you had to pay him. You've got to make sure you've got all hands on deck." - Solomon Wilcotts, CBS
Uh, Solomon, Jackson was still under contract when he held out of training camp. He was still getting paid, so Steven Jackson did Steven Jackson a disservice by holding out of training camp.
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"A military man once said, 'Courage is not a lack of fear, it's the ability to face it.' Is there a better quote to describe the way Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis plays the game?" - Chris Berman
Yes, there is Boomer. Perhaps "crazed, uncaged psycho-path once accused of murder who drove off in a limo going 110 MPH" would better suit him?
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"Last year we had Spy Gate, this year we had Eye Gate." - Tony Kornheiser, on Willis Mcgahee's Week 3 eye injury
And if Kornheiser keeps this up, we'll be suffering from Cry Gate...just slap us right now.
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"The Ravens bring in their heavy offensive package -- and it is a heavy offensive package!" - Ron Jaworski
The one, true leadpipe lock from MNF telecasts every week is Jaws dishing out some sort of emphatic statement with sexual connotations. As we've stated previously this year, he's really stroking it out there.
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"They'll suck every last second off." - Al Michaels on the Bears
Thankfully, the Bears weren't playing the Ravens in Week 4. Nobody wants to see the Bears suck off a heavy Ravens package.
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"Even though Lane Kiffin remained head coach of the Oakland Raiders long enough to meet with the Bay Area media Monday, the process of replacing him has begun." – John Clayton, ESPN
The beauty of this quote was that it came under a headline that attributed it to a "source". So this "source" informed John Clayton that the process has begun to fire Lane Kiffin? I wonder what tipped him off other than Al Davis basically coming out and telling everyone that he was going to fire Lane Kiffin ... three weeks ago. Hell of a scoop, John.
If only Joe Lunardi could predict Bowl Games
When it comes to enjoying the sports media’s short attention span, we have always targeted those items that are knowingly predicated on ever-changing information as some of the most fun.
For example: Mel Kiper’s mock drafts 12 months in advance of the real thing, Heisman polls conducted after two weeks of the season, Joe Lunardi releasing his first NCAA bracket in December.
They’re the sports equivalent of CNN “awarding” a state to a political candidate on election day with 0% reporting.
One of the newer additions to the ever-expanding buffet of these short attention span platters is the weekly “Bowl Projections” for college football, which started as early as the preseason.
With mass chaos unfolding within the college ranks each Saturday, predicting the matchups for 34 bowl games – all the way down to classics like the R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl and the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl – is about as futile as you trying to guess what’s going through this guy's head in this picture. We recognize that no one doing the predictions is attempting to break any stories or make a serious claim that this is how things will unfold, but that doesn't mean we can't mock them.
While they’re certainly not the only site to do them, we took a look at the predictions for the Orange Bowl made by ESPN’s Bruce Feldman each week as a poster boy for just how ridiculous this exercise can be. In the first six weeks, seven different teams were poised for an Orange Bowl bid…
Preseason – Oklahoma vs. Clemson
Week 1 – Oklahoma vs. Wake Forest
Week 2 – Oklahoma vs. Wake Forest
Week 3 – Auburn vs. Wake Forest
Week 4 – LSU vs. Wake Forest
Week 5 – Boise St. vs. Virginia Tech
Let’s recap: It was Clemson right up until they got destroyed by Alabama in Week 1… then Oklahoma got promoted to the Fiesta with Auburn taking their spot… until they got whipped by LSU at home meaning it was the Tigers who would face off with Wake Forest…until Wake Forest got smoked by Navy of all teams, and now we’ve got two newcomers in Boise St. and Virginia Tech...and only nine more weeks to go.
Maybe Mel Kiper can chime in and tell us what round each player on the Orange Bowl teams will be drafted.
TBS ad department suffering from memory loss and a loss of memory
Date: September 1st, 2008.
Locaction: Times Square
Call us crazy, but the use of John Smoltz on a postseason banner is dumb since a) Smoltz has been out for the year since July and b) the Braves have been out of contention since the same month. Call us even crazier, but the Mets choked last year and could very well do it again. Kind of a risk to include David Wright in the montage. We'll give you a pass on Jeter since his club has made the postseason for 13 straight seasons and they were in the thick of things into late summer. Plus, the media will find a way to get Jeter involved in an off-field capacity if the Yanks miss out on postseason play.
Date: September 29, 2008
Location: Times Square
You didn't listen.
Idiots (photos via Barstool Sports).
Thanks for Nothing Mike and Mike
Is anyone else a little tired of the whole Mike and Mike phenomenon? And to be clear, we’re not talking about the radio show – just as easily as someone can make a point to listen to it, those who don’t like it can make a point to avoid it.
The same isn't necessarily so with the increasingly frequent antics of the “Mike and Mike” characters that are shoved down sports fans’ throats via all different mediums. It’s no longer just two ESPN guys on a radio show. Long ago, they were transformed into this contrived comedy duo that is busy announcing spelling bees, peddling Dominos pizza, running contests where the prize is them presiding over your wedding, appearing on soap operas together and god knows what else.
Even for those who do manage to avoid their radio show, their contrived schtick is virtually inescapable.
Here’s how Wikipedia defines them:
“Mike Greenberg is portrayed as a stereotypical nerd and metrosexual with a man-crush on former New York Jets and current Miami Dolphins quarterback Chad Pennington…Meanwhile, former Notre Dame and NFL lineman Mike Golic is set up in the role of the tough and boisterous "man's man," a former pro athlete who likes nothing more than to eat and "tell it like it is."
We would have gone with something like:
“Mike Greenberg is portrayed as the guy that even the nerdy kids beat up in high school…meanwhile, Mike Golic, is set up in the role of a slightly better looking, albeit more meatheaded version of Sloth Fratelli.”
Either way, it’s clear that the schtick officially took over long ago.
So why does all of this come to the surface now?
Let’s just say we're not real happy at being axed out of the picture from our fishing trip last year…
Bob Carpenter Memorial Snappy Line
In a stunning development, JSF's snappy panel searched through JoeSportsFan.com's vast Carpenter library and came to a startling conclusion: not one time has former Cubs and current TBS play-by-play man Chip Caray contributed to The Bobber's circle of snap. It's something we're not exactly proud of and truth betold, we wouldn't have realized that fact had it not been for Sunday afternoon.
It was there that the Mets fought for their playoff lives against the Marlins in the final game at Shea Stadium. When the lights went out and the Mets postseason chances disappeared, there was only one thing for Chip to say.
"Shea good bye, indeed!"
It's the perfect blend of a proper name and a pun, and the perfect way to say good bye to the Mets and their stadium. While the economy is down, Chip Caray's announcer value is soaring. Two thumbs up from the Carpster.
The Media Circus is written by Josh Bacott and Patrick Imig. They swear this stuff is real. Email them at info@joesportsfan.com.