"I will never, ever pick up Scott Linehan on the side of the road. I don't care if he needs a tank of gas." - Howie Long
Gary Kubiak just says no to practice
The Jaguars had lost three of their last four against Houston prior to Week 4, the same Houston Texans who had won just 10 other games since the start of the 2006 season. Although the scoreboard now says otherwise, the Texans might as well call it four wins in their last five against the Jags. Houston had more yards, more first downs were better on 3rd down, and had touchdown drives of 91, 85 and 80 yards. It's the main reason Gary Kubiak should give his team a day off from practice. That, and the fact that watching his team practice makes Gary Kubiak cry like a boy who just watched his puppy get trampled by the UPS truck.
Chiefs, Browns advance in state tournament of suck
Give yourselves a hand, Missouri and Ohio; you now have just one winless team each. And since the Texans have officially played in three games, we can add Texas to the triforce of winless suck. Since you can read all about the trials and tribulations of the Rams failing to make adjustments at halftime and being completely and utterly dominated by the Bills the last 30 minutes of the game via Josh Bacott's Cellar column, we focus our attention to the Chiefs' convincing upset of the Broncos.
Kansas City forced four turnovers and rushed for 213 yards. The Broncos gave up 30+ points for the third straight game (103 during that span) and have given up 117 for the season. Even in their opening win over Oakland, the Raiders ran for 150 yards. In Weeks 1 and 4, the Broncos gave up 363 rushing yards; in Weeks 2 and 3, they gave up 798 passing yards. At least the passing defense was solid yesterday for them, you know? Maybe in Week 5, the team can shut down Tampa Bay in both the run and pass. If that happens, Maurice Stovall and Ike Hilliard are going to set some records in the kick and punt return games.
Jamal Lewis issues stern warning of prison rules to settle teammates
It wasn't pretty, but Cleveland got their first win and a sigh of relief for Romeo Crennel. And he needs it too; like one big giant exhale-sigh, just to get his heart beating at a human being rate. Prior to hooking up with Braylon Edwards in the end zone (get a room you two) for the first time all season (first time is always memorable, if not awkward), Braylon Edwards and Derek Anderson were seen arguing on the sidelines. That's when an angered Jamal Lewis intervened and got both guys to cut the crap immediately:
"HEY. SHUT UP, MAN. JUST SHUT UPPP! BOTH OF YOUS. KEEP DOIN THAT AND I'LL BUST A CAP IN YO A*S. I MEAN IT. RIGHT IN YOUR AS*. I'M NOT JOKING. IT'LL BE A POUNDING. RIGHT IN YO A*S"
Enraged Steve Smith fires ball at Ken Lucas' nose
Not really, but it was so nice of Steve to think of Ken and give him ball Smith caught for his first touchdown of the season. It'll be interesting if Lucas puts the ball on display in his home. One day, he'll come home to his children asking Daddy what the ball means. He will tell them, "Daddy got sucker punched in the nose by a scampering, temperamental midget. As a token of good will, the scampering, temperamental midget offered him his first touchdown ball after striking Daddy in his nose."
Dramatization of Smith/Lucas preseason altercation as seen on Unsolved Mysteries
Brad Childress really loving the aerial attack with this Gus Frerotte guy
Childress wanted to follow up last week's gameplan with an equally confusing offensive attack in Tennessee, and he succeeded with flying colors. Oh, it's the Vikings, right. Sorry. Brad Childress succeeded with sailing colors (Boo-Yah). While Adrian Peterson had success on against the Titans D, he only carried the ball 18 times. His quarterback dropped back to pass 47 times. Keep in mind Minnesota was down by no more than 10 points all afternoon and it will make perfect sense when actual Vikings rape and pillage his home.
As for the apparent blossoming relationship between Childress and Gus, I can only imagine that coach is knocked into euphoria every time he watches Frerotte practice. It wasn't every day when Childress could watch the team's quarterback drop back and throw an actual spiral to an actual offensive player. With Frerotte, that happens like 56% of the time, so you could imagine Brad's orgasmic mental state.
Bulger, Kitna shower J.T. O'Sullivan with comforting words
The 49ers quarterback threw two interceptions and was sacked six times by the Saints as part of a solid hiney-whipping in New Orleans. Through four games, J.T.'s hit the ground for negative yards 19 times. What Jon Kitna, Marc Bulger and Kurt Warner before him were to opposing defenses, O'Sullivan is to, well, opposing defenses. For all of his qualities as an offensive mind, Mike Martz sure knows how to emasculate quarterbacks. The Martz system quarterback is essentially a fresh piece of meat in front of a swarming pack of hyenas. Pretty soon, there will be an anonymous self-help group for victimized QBs.
Don't live in embarrassment, fear or shame any longer. Call our hotline today and take the first step to regaining control of your life. Remember the number, 1-800-NFL-SACK.
Interesting factoid of the week, that might only interest Wilford Brimley
Of the 22 quarterbacks in action Sunday afternoon, eight were at least 33 years old and six of those were 35 or older. I say "were" not because yesterday is in the past but because any of them could be dead as of this reading. Brett Favre turns 39 in a few weeks, Trent Green is 38, Gus Frerotte and Kurt Warner are 37, Kerry Collins and Damon Huard are 35 and Jake Delhomme and Brian Griese are 33. While most would think Griese had the experience edge on the afternoon's other 14 passers, he actually has a shrinking brain. It's been decreasing in volume ever since he faceplanted in his driveway in Denver. The shriveling brain virus is starting to take hold of his face.
Romo proves he's been with Jessica Simpson too long
Perhaps he was just offering lip service after a disappointing loss, or perhaps he's been dating an empty head far too long. I'm going with the latter, because only somone of Simpson's mental acumen would say something as silly Romo's quip about perfection after his 3rd loss to the Redskins in four tries, "The reality of it is, you have the opportunity to go 16-0 every year in the regular season, but that’s not realistic.”
What's not realistic, the reality or that there is an opportunity?
Romo's other neurotic, self absorbed partner Terrell Owens did not approve of his quarterback ("he's my quawtoback...sniff...whimper...he's my quatowback") and the offensive gameplan. Terrell, did you get the ball enough on Sunday?
"I would say no. I'm a competitor, and I want the ball... Everybody recognized that I wasn't really getting the ball in the first half. I'm pretty sure everybody watching the game recognized it, people in the stands recognized it, I think my team recognized it. I didn't quit. I kept fighting and trying to running my routes and trying to get open."
Yes! He didn't get the ball enough even though Romo targeted Owens 18 times, and Owens ran two end-arounds.
Come to think of it, Owens and Simpson are quite similar. They both sound like imbeciles when they talk, they both stare at themselves in the mirror and they're both too stupid to successfully carry out a suicide attempt. Really, the only difference is that Owens gets fully aroused by staring at his nude body while Simpson likely asks "what's that?"
It's So Hard ... To Say Good Bye ... To Yesterdayeee ...
Favre, Warner star in the Greatest Biblical Gridiron Story Never Told
In the most bizarre of games, the Bible-thumping , Messiah-worshiping Kurt Warner dueled with the Pigskin Messiah Brett Favre in a catastrophic performance. Warner accounted for seven turnovers while Favre had six touchdown passes. The Cardinals had three receivers with 100+ yards, Warner finished with 472 yards passing and the Jets set a team record for most points in a quarter with 34 in the 2nd frame. L. Coles also set a career high with three touchdown receptions.
I think I see why all this transpired. Warner is a devout follower and does all he can to live as He does. By throwing for 470 yards, coughing it up seven times and throwing a couple touchdowns, Warner embodied everything that He stands for. Like the football deity, Warner is aging and gray, lets his whiskers show and has a recognizable life partner. While I'm sure Arizona fans aren't happy with Warner after his Week 4 showing, he did the right thing. We should all be so humble and trusting.