When I first began to write “Maggie on Top”, I would ask David for advice. It did not take long for me to realize that asking David for advice about sex, or writing, is much like asking Tim McKernan for advice about being tall.

I have not asked David for his input lately. I have not asked David for his approval on many things I write, either. We operate on the assumption that if it happens, I will prolly write about it.

However, I did ask David’s permission to write this particular column.

Last Saturday night was a special day for David’s company. Management people from all over the Southeast convened in the cesspool that is Orlando, Florida, for some black tie event, recognizing various employees for their valued contributions and notable accomplishments.

Since David is considered upper-management, accommodations were provided for us in the hotel. Other local employees, who wished to attend, were offered rooms at a reduced rate. David utilized this option to upgrade our room to a two bedroom suite, so that Nick could accompany us to this shoe-gala. David’s attendance was mandatory; however, he was excited about going because he was to receive some special recognition for his groundbreaking work in inventory control. He explained the theory to me, but it sounded kinda like grocery stores realizing they were gonna sell more white bread than rye bread, so they tend to keep a little more of it around.

I was proud of him none the less, and I was excited about this thing because it was a rare opportunity to dress up and spend the night in a five-star hotel on someone else’s dime. It was also an excuse to buy a new dress, and I was gonna make the most of that. I bought a long (too long as it turned out) black dress and I rented a purse and a pair of shoes; which I could never have afforded to buy. I knew this was an important night for David, and I wanted to look good for him.

As I mentioned earlier, Nick would also be attending this event. Sarah would be his date for the big shoe shindig. I had met Sarah previously and was not particularly enamored with her personality. I could; however, pinpoint the attraction for Nick. Sarah had boobs which were not exactly of the circus variety; they were however quite ostentatious. Her tongue was pierced, and she talked with an annoying lisp. I am thinking this speech impediment is related to the elective oral alteration. Oh well, at least she would be someone to talk to while David was mingling with the other shoe dorks.

My cushy job renting cars also allowed for the discounted procurement of a Cadillac CTS. David and Nick wore nice suits, and Sarah and I wore near-designer dresses. We were the epitome of $30k millionaires this night.

My dress was strapless, and as I said earlier, it was too long. I was unaccustomed to wearing such a garment and had difficulty sitting down without causing my boobs to pop out. I immediately saw that I was gonna have limited mobility due to the fact that I could not move my legs in my normal manner. This resulted in an unusual gait, not unlike that of Lily Munster.

The hotel proved to be a wonderful venue for this event. The banquet room was very nice; surprisingly, the food was excellent, and they dumbed our expectations with champagne.

However, the event was as boring as watching Baptists fuck.

I worked the room with David for maybe an hour, and he seems to be well-liked within the company. I met his immediate boss, and I also met the president of the company. He claimed to have heard of David; however, they had never met before. I smiled my ass off, and was on my best behavior through dinner. Afterwards, I told David I needed to pee and excused myself from the table. I did visit the restroom, but on the way back to the banquet room, I spied the hotel bar, went in and had a couple of quick SoCo and lime shots.

And you thought my IQ was normal.

So, I am at a very formal event with many influential members of my husband’s company. I am wearing a very uncomfortable dress; which I have to hold every time I sit down, so my boobs don’t make an unwelcome appearance. I am wearing rented shoes, and I just followed way too much champagne with some whiskey shots. I have not been this far out of my league since I was asked to contribute something for a bake sale at church.

Not to get your hopes up here, but the odds makers took a beating on this night. Not because I did not try to send everyone home wondering what the Hell goes on in South St. Louis. I suggested several times that we leave the banquet room in favor of the bar down the hall. I took off my rented shoes, and walked around for a while barefoot; until David noticed and corrected my etiquette infraction.

Finally, the time came for us to leave without being rude. David expressed his gratitude and appreciation (sucked some shoe guy ass) to his bosses, while Nick and I each snagged a bottle of champagne. When we got to the room, I could not wait to get my dress off. The guys got casual, Sarah put on the hotel robe, and I wore David’s dress shirt. When I came out of the bedroom, Nick had the TV remote. He announced we had the choice of watching Sports Center or hotel porn. The vote was closer than you might think, but we watched the hotel porn. It was porn that left much to be desired in the categories of quality and clarity; however, it seemed to serve the desired purpose this night. The actors involved in this porn were not so attractive, and the sex was not explicit. They would show the girls like completely naked; however, I barely saw any of the guys junk. The sex acts were few and far between, and penetration of any orifice seemed implied or simulated. I have noticed that most of the people involved in the porn industry are not very good actors. The restraints evident in this film exploited this shortcoming.

We watched maybe an hour of this $9 movie and finished one of the bottles of champagne. I am sure at least half of us were ready to have sex. Nick and Sarah went to their bedroom, and David and I went to ours. I blew David for a few minutes, and then climbed atop him. Still wearing his shirt, I began to grind against him. David did not try to stroke; instead he placed his hands on either side of my ass, and pushed me tightly against him. There was no discussion of Nick during this session, and it was closer to lovemaking than to sex. I orgasmed after about twenty minutes, took off David’s shirt, and rolled over for David to finish. He climbed on top of me and stroked me in the missionary position for less than five minutes before coming inside of me. I held him inside me for a few minutes, and then let him roll off me. I raised my legs and folded them against my chest for a while after he had finished, and wondered if this was the night.

Then, I wanted a cigarette; which were still in the rented purse, on the table in the next room. Still naked, I got out of bed, walked across the room, and opened the door of our bedroom.

I am gonna pause here so that we are all on the same page as regards my moral imperatives. If I want something…something which I cannot just go out and buy, I sort these things by category, in my mind:

Things I pray for.
Things I wish for.
Things I hope for.

For example, I pray that I get pregnant. I feel that is important enough to bother God with on a nightly basis. I wish that I had boobs like Scarlett Johansson…boobs are important enough to waste a wish on, but I ain’t gonna pray for divine intervention in that area. Now hope, that is quite another thing. I hope for a lot of stuff. Lately, I have been hoping to see Nick’s penis. This was something I just had a feeling about. Much like I knew Bruce Willis was dead, twenty minutes in to that Sixth Sense movie, I knew I would see Nick’s penis. I just did not know it would be in a five-star hotel, while David slept in the next room.

As soon as I walked around the corner I saw it…err, I mean I saw Nick. He was standing naked in front of the television. He had a Snickers from the hotel honor bar in one hand, and the remote control in the other. Our eyes caught each other, and neither of us made an effort to cover anything, or look away. I had no reason to cover anything; Nick had already seen me naked more times than Robert Downey Jr. had been caught with cocaine. However, I had never seen Nick completely naked, and I was surprised by his lack of modesty. I was also surprised that he was staring at me. In all previous “Naked Maggie” encounters, he had shied away from prolonged viewing; often appearing disinterested.

I made my way to the table, just a few feet away from Nick, opened my purse, and lit a cigarette.

“Hungry”, Nick said, explaining his presence in the living room, and his possession of a Snickers bar.

“Why wait?” I replied…sometime we just click like that. “Is that the last Snickers bar”? I asked, forcing the conversation now.

“Yeah, but I left you a couple of those Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, I know you like those” Nick replied, still making no effort to cover himself, or break eye contact with me.

I could see into Nick’s bedroom; Sarah was face down and naked in the bed. “Did Sarah pass out?” I asked with disingenuous interest.

“Yeah, too much champagne”, Nick offered without taking his eyes from me, still.

Okay…so now we have spent several minutes naked and in the same room with each other, while having a half-ass conversation about basically nothing. Nick’s penis is magnificent…I thought I should mention that. His penis was flaccid, yet quite thick and I would estimate it to be nearly six inches in length. I am not sure if Nick and Sarah had already had sex or if he was revved up and ready, and she was unable to perform. That might explain his unusual high level of interest in me tonight. I guess I would also like to think that my nudity had something to do with his penis being of such impressive dimensions. This may be an optimistic hypothesis not grounded in fact.

I took another drag from my cigarette, and pondered my options. Should I be direct and invite Nick into the bed with David and me? Should I be aggressive and approach him for oral sex…or more? Should I comment on his manhood and ask why he was so reluctant to show it to me, despite my many requests?

Before I could say anything, Nick spoke; “Will David be awake when you go back to bed?” he asked.

“I dunno, I guess it depends on how long I am out here” I answered cryptically.

My heart began to beat faster as I awaited his reply.

“Well, if he is awake, maybe let him know that Bob Harig is reporting that Tiger will get paired with Mickelson in the Open.” he explained, now focusing on the television instead of me.

I snubbed out my cigarette in the ashtray, and said goodnight to Nick. I am not sure if I was disappointed or relieved, but I knew I wanted sex again.

When I entered the bedroom, David was asleep, snoring, and turned on his side. I crawled into bed, and snuggled up against him, grabbing his penis as I did. He mumbled something about going to Sea World (oh, what the fuck?), and I began to whisper into his ear, the bullet points of what you have just read. When I got to the part about seeing Nick’s penis, he was wide awake. He almost instantly became erect in my hand, and he turned over and climbed on me. David fucked me, yeah, fucked me…there was no lovemaking going on here. He called me names, and asked me repeatedly about Nick. He was ready to cum again in just minutes, and when he did, he grabbed me by the hair. He raised me by my hair, and pulled my head closer to his penis. I opened my mouth and stuck out my tongue in anticipation of his semen. Instead, I felt it bounce off my forehead and my left cheek. David inserted his penis in my mouth, and I sucked him until he let go of my hair, and rolled off me.

I said earlier, that I asked David’s permission to write this column. Mostly, because I knew I was gonna write explicitly about Nick’s penis, my perhaps inappropriate feelings about sexual interaction with Nick, and the impure thoughts I had during the awkward conversation Nick and I had this night.

I am thinking that Nick moved out just in time...the nick of time.