I confess.

In one of my many not-so-excellent moments, I attended a Halloween costume party as Skanky Rainbow Bright. The “dress” portion (and I use that term loosely) of the Vegas inspired costume was purposely handcrafted to be ill fitting in all the right places. To avoid winding up on the state’s sex offender registry, going braless and commando were non-negotiable as these were the only two items of apparel that brought the outfit up from an X rating to a R and 3/4. My arms and legs were adorn with multicolored stocking bands that served absolutely no purpose other than to cut off large amounts of circulation and add to the fierce element of overall tackiness. And the makeup....well this disastrous masterpiece violated everything feminine, elevating the whole look to an awkward transsexual level. Add some red lustrous heels and a few rum and cokes and I was a sight that would’ve scared the holy hell out of any by-standing trick or treaters.

And the bitch of it is, I paid 50 dollars to look like Boy George’s 1983, regurgitated neon mess.

This unfortunate costume faux pas was made several years ago, in my fake and bake blonde days. Still, UV fried skin and bleached hair didn’t make the costume that much more excusable. I mean, I WAS 24. Old enough to know better. And even though I had instant photographic proof of the unsufferable tool I was, at the time, I thought I looked goddamn sexy. Halloween costume hindsight started kicking after an altercation with a girlfriend revealed what everyone else had to say about my ridiculous appearance (slutty, ass-hanging-out and WHOA take it down a notch, were a few of the choice words).

After Slutty Rainbow Bright made her first and last debut, I decided to give the whole costume thing a rest until I regained some sort of dignity. When I finally had the courage to partake in the Halloween charade, my efforts were timid and virginal; a heavily sweatered 1950's cheerleader, a cloaked angel, a suited  gangster....anything that subscribed to crowd blending and figure covering. And dull. 

But isn’t it the innuendo laden costumes that make Halloween the wonderful festivity that it is? I mean, it’s the ONE day a year where it’s socially acceptable and broadly respectable for chicks to look like complete whores and release that closeted slutiness. Judgement free! Girls everywhere should embrace it without going overboard and keeping it within reason.

Sadly for me, within reason is exactly where I need to be this year. Pulling off Dora the Voluptuous Explorer isn’t in my best physical interest nor would it deem appropriate for a mundane night of neighborhood Trick-or-Treating with my 7 year old. Yes, I’d like to avoid being stopped by the authorities because of complaints of a cross dressing hooker roaming the streets with a child’s backpack and a map. Tossing this option out, I’m left with one of a few alternatives: the homely Halloween sweater and light up pumpkin necklace combo or being myself, an undisputable loser (hey, it’s a cheap costume). OR I can leave the creativity and inspiration up to someone else’s imagination like..... I don’t know.....you.

I’ll let you do the Halloween heavy lifting of suggesting a costume. Keep in mind that I have less than a week. Anything involving a sewing machine, paper mache or any other sort of Do It Yourself element is going to be tossed to the wayside. Given my artistic abilities are compatible with Helen Keller, I would wind up with a few poorly constructed blobs of various materials and a costume that doesn’t make any sense. Also consider that I have a humiliatingly low means of funding so I’m going to need a costume at black market rate. I’d prefer something moderately feminine without looking like either a school marm or a stripper. Maybe something right smack in the middle of the provocative scale. Also note that painting my face is not probable, for I don’t want to look like a before picture of a Proactive commercial. I’m open to wearing masks though as long as it’s not Freddie Kruger or Barack Obama. I’m also receptive to humor but nothing too controversial.

Given that this is what I have to work with, hopefully, you can supply me with a little Halloween guidance.

Or I’ll be forced to resurrect Skanky Rainbow Bright.

And that would potentially make this Halloween pretty darn scary.