Five years ago today at 3:17 PM, my life as I knew it was no longer recognizable. I entered the hospital around 6 AM, and spent the next nine hours in labor. For all the females reading who have given birth, you get it. For those who have not had children, it is the hardest thing you will ever do, but well worth it. For all the males reading this, well, imagine having your balls squeezed until they feel like they will blow out of your sack every couple of minutes for hours on end, only to then take a swift kick in the family jewels at the very end.

Yeah, it is like that.

Aiden was small, weighing six pounds and ten ounces. He obviously was completely helpless and I, being his mother, was completely responsible for keeping this little boy alive. I would have to teach him so many things and in the beginning, it was very overwhelming. Little did I know that it was ME who had so much to learn, and that this miniature version of his father would be the one doing the teaching.

Each year has brought many new lessons.

The first year taught me the following…Even though the baby is six pounds and only eats about three ounces of food in one sitting, there is something in his system that triples his consumption. He will soak your shirt when he projectile vomits and can fill up the entire car seat when the shit shoots out the sides and top of his diaper. No matter how cute and sweet he is, his shit still stinks. Even though you don’t think he can reach the 44oz. soda sitting on your mom’s coffee table right above her white carpet, he can. He may only have 4 teeth, but you will bleed like a stuck pig if he bites your boob and it will make you use swear words in the Schnucks parking lot.

The second year taught me a couple more lessons…He cannot pronounce half the shit you want him to correctly; however, words like shit, fuck, damn, and jackass all roll off his tongue like the Italian spews out of Pavarotti. If you are missing something like your phone, the remote, or the cat’s food dish, check the garbage can. Diaper rash cream is impossible to remove from carpet. The back of his diaper is a great place to store things, like puzzle pieces, cars, or nails. Yeah, I said nails. Thomas the Train does not float, nor will he flush down the toilet.

After the first two years, I didn’t think I could learn much more, but the third year brought much more insight than expected.

People lie to you when they talk about the terrible twos. Three is more like “Holy shit, what the fuck was I thinking ever having sex?” It is possible to live off oatmeal and strawberries alone for two months straight. If he tells you that he has to pee now, he means NOW, at that exact moment. He will drop trou anywhere, including the front of the St. Louis Art Museum. He can spot a toy he wants in a store from ten aisles away, and he will scream until you put it in the cart. He will shit his pants in public, and it will be no big deal, until Mom finds out. Bubble gum really doesn’t digest and will come out in long strings. This will most likely happen at a very inopportune moment, like on an airplane for instance.

This last year has been the best with Aiden. He still teaches me lessons daily because he is now smarter than both of his parents are. He will argue about anything and is on the right path to being a lawyer. He is also horrible at keeping secrets, so taking him shopping for his Dad’s birthday present is not an option. In fact, he will ask to talk to his dad on the phone, only to tell him where we are and what we are buying. To Aiden, there are no strangers now and he feels free to tell them everything, including that Mommy pooped and stunk up the bathroom. He can also spot a beautiful girl from a mile away and will not hesitate to share with his father that there is a hot mama in their presence. He is becoming his father.

The last five years have changed me, for the better. I only have Aiden to thank for making me a better person and for being the perfect teacher. I can only hope that the next five years brings as much enlightenment as the last five have brought.

Happy birthday Aiden! You have officially become a little boy and are no longer my baby.