The first thing they teach you in cheesedick column writing 101 is to use a quote to start a piece with extra mustard...

"There are two kinds of people that don't enjoy porn: people that don't know what they're talking about and people that don't know what they're missing." - LarryFlynt

I don't think you care about why, but I actually did get trapped in a freight elevator at Dillard's in the Galleria this Saturday. Roughly the size of a prison cell and half full of pylons, wicker chairs and rack hangers, I had maybe about a 5' x 5' space to hang out in this janky piece of shit contraption. After about 15 minutes or so, it became painfully obvious that the people who generally use this particular sub-set of load bearing transportation were not the  same people that were present @ 6:00 pm on a Saturday. The emergency call box worked perfectly*, but luckily I was able to call a friend in Clayton that came down to the store and alerted the perfume spritzer lady that I was in the freight elevator. Her quote: "We don't have one of those."

Eventually some dude did something that set the service rig in motion and I was out. Frankly, that paragraph is not entirely important to today's column, but it did provide me with a brief respite from boozing to realize that if I start weaving more porn into my writing that more people will start reading. Maggie On Top is the most read column on this site and I don't think it's an accident that the author, Maggie Barlow, writes mainly about vaginal and anal sex. But also sometimes about oral sex and animal sex.

Also- and this is an important point- I had a roommate in college who loooooved porn. Loved it. Especially Brazilian DP and anything to do with fisting. At this point if I mention he's the mastermind behind 2 guys 1 horse, don't Google it- you will never be right again. But this confinement brought an idea... what if we compare the 2008 Cardinals season so far to sex acts we see all the time on YouPorn or RedTube? I know, brilliant, right?

The Scene: Dude blows wad everywhere, hitting girl in face.

Real Life: You're not getting another BJ for a year... at least.

The Cardinal Parallel: Pretty much the most denigrating thing a man can do to a woman- within reason- is pretty much how Cardinals management treated fans and the team during the recent trade deadline. 0 moves made. 0 Games made up on Chicago's lead in the division since July 31st.Hmmm...

The Scene: Creepy man sneaks into bedroom and has sex with a girl while she is asleep the entire time. He then leaves with a shit-eating-grin on his face.

Real Life: It's called rape. And I think you can get in trouble for it or something.

The Cardinal Parallel: Ryan Ludwick's breakout season in the outfield. Dude may look like mongoloid, but he's been raking all year long, to the point where people are actually asking if he could be a MVP candidate without a hint of irony. We were hoping he'd be better than Juan E. We were expecting him to be worse than 7 day old Chinese. Surprise! It feels so good!!

The Scene: Normal looking sex, until- POOF- a muff the size of Litchfield suddenly dates the clip 15 years.

Real Life: 5 years after marriage. I assume and hope to never find out.

The Cardinal Parallel: To our favorite crusty old muff- Tony LaRussa. This bastard can coach. We have no way of knowing, but I think it's safe to assume the Cards would be a sub .500 team with a less bull headed coach than the certain Hall ofFamer wearing #10. He loves winning, animals and wine- not necessarily in that order.

The Scene: What is this? A hot chick? Nice. Wait! Another hot chick? Very nice. Let the games begin.

Real Life: Nu uh- doesn't happen. Unless your Rick Ankiel. Then it's called Monday.

The Cardinal Parallel: The worst bullpen every assembled is being paid for by the Cardinals. Just like real life lesbians; what sounds good in theory turns out being totally and completely horrible looking. The word lesbian, i would challenge, has more disparity from what guys think about to what actually happens in real life. The Cardinals bullpen is one of the more expensive in theNL, yet is fug-ly. I think they shall be called the lesbians the rest of the year, in fact. No homo.

The Scene: Dude pees, girl drinks- weeeee! (pun intended)

Real Life: You're buying new sheets, new mattresses, new carpeting. Probably a new house.

Cardinal Parallel: Ballpark Village. The wasteland of downtown St. Louis and most visible toilet like waste hole for civic money is a piss poor excuse for a future All Star Game site. The Cards have pissed away time, money, man hours and made more excuses than John Edwards wheeling his wife into the caner ward for treatment. Yet, much like the human function itself, it always comes back and never truly goes away. Perfect!

I would like to note that the people of Dillard's were very helpful... once they realized they actually did have an freight elevator. They didn't even question why I wasn't wearing pants.

athooks writes every Monday for InsideSTL and regularly for CardinalsDiaspora.com