An Open Letter to John Mozeliak

Cc: Anthony LaRussa

David Duncan

Cardinal Nation

William DeWitt III

Bcc: Walter Jocketty

Mr. Mozeliak, let me first compliment you on looking like Will Arnett with glasses. Dude is he-larious, especially on that Human Giant clip where he bangs Aziz and Paul Scheer but thinks they’re Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. Immediately upon taking the GM job for the Cardinals, people were a little disarmed by what they thought was a coincidence. Really, who could hate Will Arnett? Or Arrested Development? Nobody. That’s who! Currently at 14 games over .500 you could probably put your stamp of approval on the genocide in Darfur and we, as a fan base, would get on board. That’s why it’s very important you listen to what I’m about to tell you. Sit down, get a snifter of scotch and make it stiffer than a preacher’s dick in a choir boy.

John, you look like a guy that enjoys a good vagina. Being the head of the most storied franchise in the National League I’m sure you’ve seen your fair share. We’ll our bullpen is like a Clay Aiken vagina- abused, forlorn and destined to be the downfall of civilization. True, Clay Aiken might technically have a penis too- but it still works as an analogy because our bullpen has been fucking us raw all year. I counted it up and if we never had to use any relievers we’d be 100-0. Yet we are 57-43. A difference of 43 games; which by anyone’s standards isn’t very good. At certain points of the season it even looks like our relief pitchers don’t understand the concept of the job in which they have been tasked. May I suggest some clarification of their responsibilities to ‘winning’ at each of their next quarterly reviews.

Chief blown-a-save in the Cardinal Teepee is Jason Isrighausen. Izzy, as many fans call him, is not a good player anymore. In fact, he’s kind of a bum. Personally, I like Izzy. He wears cool t-shirts with sexual innuendo during spring training making some autograph sessions with Christian fan groups highly entertaining to watch. But as a paid position baseball player he’s lacking skills. For single A ball. Trust me. He looks like he could snap at any time- which used to be good when he could, you know, get an out. It was intimidating. But you’re probably afraid he’s going to try and kill you when you release him. I get that. Luckily Al Gore invented Text Messaging. Just text him a pink slip. Or a SRY CYA. By the time he finds you he’ll be cooled off. Problemo solved.

This has nothing to do with you John, but you have to give JT some serious props. I want to hate him too, but that little fucker is a good host for the ESPY’s.

But back to this bullpen mess. It’s getting pretty hairy. And that’s just Ron Villone’s ear canals (ba-zing!) We need to make some trades ASAP. Being a GM and all, you’re most likely aware that you’re the dude that needs to make this happen. For all I know, you’re probably already making calls and sending e-mails and all that. But if not- we’ve got about 10 days or so before baseball doesn’t allow trades. Put that in your Outlook calendar if you want. Whatever you do. Pu-lease don’t let 2008 get ruined by these guys in the bullpen. Seriously, please.

Mo, can I call you Mo? Good. Mo- now you know how we feel. It’s pretty cut and dry. But we’d also like you to stop it with the kids singing shit at the games, but let’s take care of getting some relief pitchers first.

Sincerely,

Everybody