If you’re anything like me you read every single column on every fucking website you visit with the headline ‘Mid-Season Baseball Awards’. I hate every one of ‘em, but I can’t stop. My whole opinion on columnists is basically decided by these ostensibly lazy-ass articles that do nothing more than state the obvious. The guys that write them are lazy d-nozzles with no creativity and small peckers. Probably.

So without further delay, here’s another one…

The Kobe Bryant “Say Hello to the Hotel Room Chair” Award goes to… Matt Clement. 1.25 million dollars buys roughly 34.7 tons of Vaseline. Let’s hope Mr. Clement’s agent sent over a gross or so of the good stuff for Johnny Mo’s first free agent signing as a MLB general manager because his contract has rubbed the Cardinals raw. In case you were wondering- yes- Matt Clement, the pitcher, is a Cardinal and makes more money than you have your entire this life for exactly 0.0 innings of baseball played in 2008. On the bright side for Matt he has an real shot of becoming the coveted “Best Impression of a Anorexic Bulimic with a Hideous Goatee” award if he can get in there.  

The Carlos Delgado “Suck it America” Award goes to… Troy Glaus. The Big German has had little experience with rivalries. Toronto, Arizona and Anaheim don’t have many natural born enemies, especially when their teams aren’t that good so it’s sort of understandable Mr. Glaus isn’t comfortable playing against the Cubs. But an 0-fer the season? No sir. This is America. Death, Taxes and the Cubs losing are what John Adams discovered this land with and it’s not your place to try and Dirk us around with your German… ish ness. We don’t like crazy gas prices or Dick Cheney either. But you still have to hit the ball against the Cubs. U! S! A!

The Kimbo Slice “Maybe I’ve Got Some Holes, But Meet Me in an Alley, Bitch” Award goes to… Rick the Dick Ankiel. Really? 40 HR’s and 120 RBI’s in your first full season as a position player? Dude- leave a little bit of ass for the best of us bro. Seriously. You are a freakin’ nut broseph. Ok, maybe the breaking ball is still hard to get a beat on at the plate. And maybe the OBP could creep up there a little bit. But ‘The Dick’ is out J-Rodding it all over the STL every home stand and God knows what he’s doing in shit holes like Pittsburgh where 4 teeth will get you an 8. By August I don’t think the MVP award will be out of the question for #66. I love you, Rick. No Homo.

The Tino Martinez Memorial “Ugh, This Guy” Award goes to… The entire terrible Cardinal bullpen. A recent RFT Unreal expose uncovered what Kyle McClellan is packing in that moto-cooler: an ice-cold family pack of blown saves. It’s cold and it’s smooth and it’s waiting to fuck up the game for you. Come on and head for the mountains of Busch. League. (Pitching). These guys blow harder than a packed Clementine’s during a James Blunt album release party.

The Stan Musial “Worth the Price of Admission” Award goes to… Albert Pujols and Tony LaRussa. One of these days either or both of these guys could be gone. In my expert* opinion this will not be good for anyone that likes this team. Mr. Pujols gets about 3 pitches to hit a month and is still a legitimate MVP candidate in the NL. Mr. LaRussa has taken a 70 win team, tops, and is threatening to play ball with them all the way into October. Oh- and without our 2 best pitchers and 9 other players that have spent the most time on the DL in all of baseball. Sick. Just sick. Maybe it’s not ‘fun’ or ‘clever’ to talk about how good we got it with this player/manager combination. Whatever.

The David Nied “Maybe He’s Not That Good” Award goes to… Nick Stavinoah’s and Joe Mather’s ‘Big Sticks”.  The Big Leagues are teeny weenie bit harder than we thought, eh boys? We heard a lot about you when AP went down with a strained calf. Unfortunately we haven’t heard much actual wood on ball. It is what it is. But still, tickle our ass with a feather every once in a while- we won’t mind- I swear!

The 2 Guys 1 Horse “Let’s Just Forget This Happened and Move On” Award goes to… Mark Mulder. Let’s hope those EAS residuals last past this season. I’d recommend you not watch 2 guys 1 horse or Mark Mulder 2007-08 highlight reels in that order. Possibly the two worst things on the internet. Ever.

athooks writes columns for insideSTL.com every Monday and regularly for CardinalsDiaspora.com