Bill O. DeWitt III sounds like a name you'd use if you wanted the piss kicked out of you as a kid or if you wanted people to assume you were a privileged prick as an adult. It's the etymological equivalent of Jay Cutler's face: perpetually slug-able. 

But Bill O DeWitt III is far from the American Nicolas Sarkozy... he actually took the job father bequeathed. Perhaps he was the most qualified applicant to be the President of the St. Louis Cardinals. Perhaps he wasn't. But he is and as far as I can tell he's done around 3 things since joining his father in the fight against profligacy.

1) Entertained offers for signage at Busch Stadium.

Minor league ballparks envy Busch Stadium. It's one of the most gaudy and unattractive stadiums in all of baseball because cheap signage seems to spawn cheap signage year over year. What were the odds that the "All Star Game 2009 on Fox" billboard in left center field wasn't becoming a giant gaping corporate vagina after July? A million to one? A billion?

Whatever. Get your money, brother. I think the rest of us would prefer if it was done with a little more tact than just bending over for any company with a checkbook.


2) Turned Ballpark Village into a complete joke.

I have to admit. When I first saw the drawings of Ballpark Village, I got a boner. As a resident of downtown it pretty much made downtown look like something other than a bombed out relic of past greatness. Shit- you could fucking watch the game from somebody's apartment? F. Yes. I want that NOW.

Then the economy took a dump on the whole project. I guess. I mean Bill O. blames the whole debacle on 'the man', but who the hell knows what really happened to that thing. Worst part is they're still trying to tell us that it's just a little delayed and that everything's still in place. Mmm hmm. Right. And Lindsy Lohan's winning an Oscar next year.

Hell, it'd probably had a bunch more terrible ads on it anyway. The Ritz Cracker eating zone. The Spongetech wipe down station. All that bullshit that would have made BP like the Mills... without the parking.


3) He decided to stick his neck out and send a e-mail out to every Cardinal fans pretty much saying nothing. Perhaps reminding us of your teams successes a week removed from a demoralizing defeat in the playoffs would have been better suited for December or January. Fail, man. Fail. In fact, here's the e-mail with my comments in parentheses:

To Our Great Fans, (That’s right, we are pretty great aren’t we?) Thank you for another great season! (Whoa. Hold on here. A total collapse down the stretch and a brutal first round exit is also great? What else is “great”? Sodomy? Is Sodomy great? What about herpes? Also great?)

Although a disappointing early exit from the playoffs is still fresh in our minds, (And on Matt Holliday’s nuts—Hi-Yo!) I think it is appropriate to reflect on some of the great things that happened during the 2009 season. (Franklin’s collapse, complete power outage, Dave Duncan leaving the team to pout about his son being traded) The team won the National League Central Division for the seventh time this decade.

(The Pirates and Reds aren’t exactly the Yankees and Red Sox, but still) Albert Pujols had another MVP-caliber season, (plus he’s probably hurt and now saying he’s not interested in signing a long term deal when your GM publically stated a team’s offseason priority was to re-sign the superstar to a long term deal) and pitchers Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainwright are both candidates to win the National League Cy Young award. (Oh, Carp. What the hell were you doing out there in LA?)

Our young players and newer additions all made significant contributions to the team on the field.  St. Louis was the center of the baseball world in July as we hosted the 2009 All-Star Game which (the NL lost) featured three Cardinals on the NL roster and a first pitch from the President. (In jeans!)

All-Star week included dozens of activities and events that brought excitement and significant economic activity to downtown St. Louis.  (By economic activity we definitely do not mean anything involving Ballpark Village. Please do not mention Ballpark Village. Everything is fine with Ballpark Village.)

Despite challenging economic conditions, you continued to support the Cardinals at the ballpark. (Suckas.)  We drew 3.3 million fans to Busch Stadium, surpassing the three million mark for the ninth time this decade and the 13th time in franchise history. (That’s a lot of money that we will not spend on re-signing Matt Holliday, but we appreciate it nonetheless.)

As the decade draws to a close, it's worth noting that it will go down as one of the most successful periods in Cardinals history. (By successful we mean financially.) We led the National League with 913 victories, won two N.L. pennants and a World Championship, and drew a remarkable 34 million fans. (Unfortunately, this open letter will hit your e-mail 8 days after a soul crushing loss in the playoffs, so you’re going to sound like a total Cardinal dong licker if you mention any of this in a bar.) 

As we look to 2010 and the decade in front of us, we are hopeful that your support will continue to lay the foundation for our success.  (What are our options? The Rams? I don’t think we have much of a choice.) Our commitment to excellence in all aspects of the organization is as strong as ever. (Read: we’re looking for new and exciting ways to cram more signage into Busch Stadium.) 

On behalf of ownership, management, and the players, thank you again for your incredible support of the St. Louis Cardinals.

Sincerely,

William O. DeWitt III
President

In other news, Tony LaRussa is now on Twitter and Albert Pujols got cut on by a hick from Alabama.


Aaron Hooks is managing editor at CardsDiaspora.com, is a Featured Columnist at Bleacher Report and is now on Fridays with InsideSTL. Follow him on Twitter.