I just had like a 15 second fart. One of those ones that just keeps going and going and going until it finally putters out to everyone’s disgust. But before you know it, that fart turns in to the urge to shit and you’re spending the next 15 minutes on the pot wondering why you had to eat Mexican for lunch.


Speaking of Cardinal baseball, did you guys happen to catch the boys getting swept by the Dodgers last week? At least I had the decency to make it to the men’s room. The Cardinals just went ahead and shit all over Dodger Stadium, Busch Stadium, on the flight home. Hell, I’d make a joke about them shitting the bed at the team hotel… but I actually think that would hit too close to home.


On the bright side we saw Matt Holliday become the first MLB player to really, honestly try to field a fly ball with his nuts. Turns out that’s not an improvement over the glove. Good to know.


This week everybody’s fond of the line “no one’s to blame, they just didn’t play well.” And while that may be true, it pretty much takes the fun out of sports. We want to blame. We NEED to blame. And this column space isn’t going to pander to whimsical platitudes of perpetuity.  No. We’re going to blame some of these little fuckers for putting an end to summer and by proxy any meaningful sporting events in the 2009 calendar year.


So let’s blame… CHRIS CARPENTER!

Um. Yeah. So about that debate on who should win the Cy Young? Well I totally had your back Chris. Turns out you didn’t really want to play in the playoffs after all. Maybe you were confused as to what was actually needed out of you- but I can assure you that what you gave the Cardinals was not it. You cock teased us for 2 years while we waited for your comeback so I guess since you gave us a pretty much whole 2009, you ‘d cock tease us with some dominating regular season before letting us down in the NLDS. Once a cocktease, always a cocktease, I suppose.


Let’s blame… RYAN FRANKIN!

Awful, bro. Awful. Matt Holliday’s nut catching experiment was ill-advised, I’ll give you that. But you also didn’t have to tuck your wee wee in between your legs as soon as it happened. Do us a favor and have your agent get in touch with Lance Armstrong’s people and get whatever undetectable roids he’s on. ASAP.


Let’s blame… MATT HOLLIDAY!

St. Louis’ newest supervillan. He comes over in a trade in which the Cardinals best prospect is surrendered. He leads a furious charge to the postseason, gaining much love along the way. Makes a gaffe in the postseason that will be on every Cardinal highlight reel forever. Leaves STL after the city gives him a big group hug his first at bat after ruining the 2009 season. Signs a huge deal with Washington or some other deep pocketed team wanting to make a splash. Comes back in 2010 as a reminder that we will always get killed by Matt Holliday, no matter what uni he wears.


Let’s blame… ALBERT PUJOLS!

Somebody call Diane Lane… we’ve got a major power outage! (bazoom.) Perhaps you did a body swap with A-Rod around the turn of the month or so? Maybe you have male menopause after turning 50? Perhaps that elbow is not attached to any part of your body anymore? Whatever it is- we want Albert Pujols back in 2010. Not this chump.


Let’s blame… TONY LARUSSA!

Yoooooooou. You and your lineups. Who does Jared Shumaker have to kill to get some regular AB’s? Huh mister? You should have gone Wainwright 1 and Carp 2 and left Franklin to wallow in the pen all of the postseason. You’re no genius. You’re a hack. (I don’t really, truly believe TLR had much to do with the LOBsters performance this series, but again, we’re blaming today.)


Let’s blame… THE WHITE TOWELS!

How much money would you have paid to see the reaction to whatever business put their logo all over the white towels Busch Stadium made for game 3 after Root Beer started crying on national TV about them? Talk about undercutting your promotional team. But shit those little fuckers are distracting. Especially when the fat women at Busch wave them around and hit you with their underarm waddle. Ugh. I hate that.


Fuck it. I guess blaming doesn’t help either. I thought that’d be more cathartic, but now I’m even more angry about the whole deal.


Let's watch this and drink.


Aaron Hooks is managing editor of CardsDisapora.com and is a Featured Columnist for BleacherReport.com. He writes every Thursday for InsideSTL. Follow him on Twitter.