Last Wednesday Cardinals GM John Mozeliak decided to roll in the muck with us pigs and participate in an on-line chat hosted by the Post-Dispatch online news portal STLToday.com. (Obviously) This was a mutual knob slobbing session. The Post loves Johnny Mo. Johnny Mo loves the fans. The fans love the Cardinals. 
Dick Enberg says… Oh My!
Below are a list of actual questions asked by (I assume) actual fans. I thought about putting the verbatim answers from Mo up, but why waste time with that crap. Just imagine bland double talk with a few cheese dick clichés and the occasional bone (i.e. Colby Rasmus WILL be on the opening day roster… if he’s in shape and has a good spring training.) and you’ve got the real answer. What I’m more interested in is what he was TRYING to say.
I figured this would be as good a forum as any to do a little translating in case your BS antenna is all funked up.
Question: Thanks for going beyond your GM duties and answering questions from the fans. It is very gracious of you and shows a lot about your character.
Translation: Holy shit, why wasn’t I doing this before!?! This jegoff is completely unaware I was banging the holy hell out of his wife last summer before I even got this job, but 20 minutes on a message board and I’m Gandhi? Note to self… hang out on message boards more often. And call that slut again…
Question: Can you give us any scoop on Colby Rasmus? How many dog houses does he really have? If the rumors are a fact, what are his chances of being in the Starting lineup on opening day?
Translation: My friends, if there is one thing I’m more tired of that Colby Rasmus questions I can’t think of it. I don’t know who made this kid the second coming of Jesus Christ, but I’m pretty sure I would punch that guy in the face if I ever met him. Is Colby Rasmus a good prospect? Sure. I think we’d all agree on that. But really, we’ve had prospects before and we’ll have them again, so STFU about this guy. If he was that freaking good- he’d a been up here last year. Seriously. Not one more word.
Question: You haven't made a gut trade since taking the job of GM, have you ever made a move without the written consent of DeTwitt? Or do you just use one of those magic 8-balls? Anyone can sign their own free-agents, do you plan on actually doing any work this winter that a MLB General Mgr would do? Or, just like at last year's trade deadline, do you plan on lying to the fans and doing nothing?
Translation: Go fuck yourself.
Commentary: Burn! This thing could get interesting…
Question: Thanks for the chat and for all of your hard work to put the best team possible on the field. I've been very happy with your decisions.
Translation: Ok, back on track. They love me. They really, really love me.
Commentary: Or not.
Question: Do they install the thick skin when you become GM or did you already have it? I'd think it'd be tough to deal with the irrational fringe of the fan base.
Translation: I make more money in one week than you do all year. Do you honestly believe I can’t deal with you inbred clowns? Get your credit cards out, buy a Pujols pack for your husband this Christmas and dream about 3rd place. Chump. But to answer your question- get a life kiss ass.
(At this point the chat is ended with a note about looking forward to the challenges of the off-season, the excitement of winter warm up, blah, blah, blah….)
Viva la Warner, St. Louis.