I’ve always thought there only to be a handful of famous people on this earth that I would approach at, say, Schnucks. I’ll pretend this to be because I’m too busy, or perhaps even too mature to stop and remind somebody how great they are while hand-picking produce.
 However, I feel all bets are off if I somehow found myself splitting a cab with Jack Black, sitting next to Elisha Cuthbert on a plane or drunk enough to approach Jim Edmonds at a bar.
Of course, the latter of those three events actually did happen and it reminded why I have no business approaching famous people in the first place, I can never think of anything remotely unique to say. In fact, my brief exposure to Edmonds consisted of me offering to buy him a drink which he inevitably turned down. Sweet pick up line, Carnage. At least I didn’t stay to gush over the now-Cub and tell him how much the game six bombed meant to me. That would’ve been even more pathetic, somehow.
Anyway, my point is, I rarely feel the need to remind athletes how superior they are. I’ve never done anything with an autograph other than lose it, I think wearing an authentic jersey of an athlete younger than myself is asinine. Hell, if I ever actually caught a foul ball, I’m pretty sure I’d miracle some kid sitting near me. Or at least sell the ball to his dad for a beer.
Some athletes, in this instance, ex-Cardinals prove to be the exception to this rule of course. My entire family once spent back-to-back nights entertaining bullpen hero Steve Kline at a karaoke bar in Dallas, for example. This comes as a shocker to absolutely no one I’m sure, but Kliner is genuinely one of the most down-to-earth normal millionaires I’ve ever met. In contrast, after ‘meeting’ Shaq at a Walgreens and asking him what he was buying (again another ice breaking gem) I thought there was at least a 15 percent chance one of his entourage members were going to break my thumbs for diverting his attention.
Only a truly obsessed Cardinal geek (assuming I still have your attention) would even remember the name Greg Matthews. The southpaw finished a modest six year MLB career with 28 victories and 33 losses in 1992. I believe his Hall of Fame eligibility has since expired.
Matthews was, however, an intricate part of the Cards 1987 pennant-winning crew, a team that sparked my adoration of the club and was the starting pitcher in a historic game in Cardinal lore.
So, when my ex girlfriend (god bless her) approached me at a bar one night wanting to introduce me to someone she had met that said he had pitched for the Cardinals in the 80s, I did what any Cards diehard would do.
I asked her why the hell he wanted to meet me.
Showing admirable restraint, I shuck hands with Matthews, confirmed it wasn’t some nut job posing as a washed up pitcher from 20 years ago, (an often occurrence) and immediately said ‘wow, you pitched in the Tom Lawless game!’
Greg was equally impressed and horrified.
Never again will I deliver such a perfect line that immediately takes an athlete’s attention away from nearby women.
Yes, Matthews started on the bump in game four of that ’87 World Series against Frank Viola. In the fourth inning, after being relieved, Tom Lawless hit a three run bomb that Jack Buck once said ‘Cards fans wont soon forget.’
I was six then and haven’t forgotten.
So, when I saw Matthews again last weekend at a Washington Avenue establishment, we immediately got to laughing about our first encounter. He’s quick to admit that he’s never been approached by somebody in a similar capacity, I’m quick to conceed that it’s wildly awkward to chat with him about a game played when I still peed the bed and my friends are quick to point out that they’re not impressed with some 48 year old dude spitting game at Lucas Park.
Oh well. They’re probably the same friends that don’t remember where they were the night Lawless went deep.
If Randy Flores is reading this, J Carnage would like to apologize for never remembering your name when we met in Houston. Drop me a line at JCarnage24@yahoo.com if you’re ever out with Matthews. |