Contact: Simon & Schuster FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Telephone: 314-394-8800 (07-28-08)
E-mail: dcklesswndr@stlcardainals.com
Simon & Schuster, the preeminent book publisher for award winning authors in every genre and form, is pleased to announce a deal has been agreed upon with H.G. ‘Buzz’ Bissinger to pen the sequel to the NY Times Bestseller “3 Nights in August” to be released in Quarter 4 of 2008. As of press time Monday, the 
working title has been announced as “7 Nights in July (WTF?)” Mr. Bissinger had been embedded with the Cardinals since the All-Star break, intending to follow the season as it progressed from ‘a surprisingly spunky team’ to ‘potential playoff contender’. But after recent merciless shellacking’s at the hands of the Milwaukee Brewers and New York Mets, Buzz has pulled off his beat and believes he has enough content to form a compelling novel.
“Misery, ineptitude… Godlessness- I’ve seen it all in this clubhouse the past week and need to tell this story sooner than later” Mr. Bissinger was quoted as saying in Monday’s Post-Dispatch. “Really, how often are you in the presence of grown men’s dreams being crushed? Not like ‘my dog ran away’ crushed, but more like ‘would it be more productive for our team if I broke Ryan Franklin’s arm then hanged myself’ crushed. It’s truly remarkable how 7 games in July absolutely leveled an inspired season!”
Cardinals General Manager John Mozeliak spoke on behalf of the organization late Sunday night and called the book a “hit piece”. Admittedly, Mr. Mozeliak couldn’t comment further since the book has yet to be published, but claimed he saw a notebook Buzz wrote in with the headline ‘John Mozeliak hates kids, but hates trades even more’. “If Will Leitch ever gets the chance, I hope he beats the piss out of that damn rabble-rouser.” S&S notes that Mr. Mozeliak hands were warm to the touch during 
an informal meeting where these quotes were obtained. Probably from sitting on them so long.
Furthermore, Simon & Shuster has obtained some of the chapter titles from the forthcoming tome. In no particular order:
“Ryan Franklin- Worst Closer Ever, or Just Worst Cardinal Closer Ever.”
“ Izzy, Will You Hang It Up? Please!?”
“Is This Going On a Blog… So Help Me God, If This Is Going on a Blog…”
“Ron Villone Farts Dust; Pitches Bad”
“You Ugly, Kyle Mac"
“Meatballs! Get Your 9th Inning Meatballs!!”
“LaRussa Wears the Shades Because He Hates You; Damn SOB’s.”.
In a completely unrelated development “Manny being Manny” has replaced “For Shizzle” as the preferred nomenclature to show African American’s everywhere that middle-age white guys don’t have black friends and wouldn’t come to your neighborhood if you gave them a free Saab.
As was the case with ‘3 Nights in August’, Buzz Bissinger enjoyed unparalleled access to the behind the scenes material only a friend of the big show could get. Without revealing too much, Mr. Bissinger told S&S he’s got bombshell after bombshell. When asked to elaborate he teased “Let’s just say the Cards equipment manager doesn’t need to buy jocks- these guys got nuts like a field mouse.”
Pre-orders will be available as soon as the Cardinals are eliminated from post-season contention or Rich Harden’s next start, whichever comes first.
athooks writes every Monday for InsideSTL.com and regularly for CardinalsDiaspora.com
A special treat; I found this in a dumpster this weekend...
